Well, whaddaya know?
Christmas is a tricky time of year. In addition to working out how to eat your own body weight in Pringles and little sausages wrapped in bacon (without being sick all over your Grandmother's eyes), you need to work out what game (or games) to play during that magical work-free / school-free / parole period. And there are many, many guides clogging up the internet, telling you what to play. I counted at least 37 of them. Never fear, though, your old friend 12DOVE is here. He's drunk, belligerent, and has some advice for you.
Following the success of my Hodor's Guide To 2014's Biggest Games feature earlier this year, which got me nominated for no fewer than zero Pulitzer awards, I turned to another trusty member of the Game Of Thrones cast to give his take on 2014's best. After spending roughly a week getting his phone number from Hodor, I contacted Jon Snow to tell me his top picks for what to play this Christmas. The results are enlightening.
Assassin's Creed Unity
Jon Snow says: Sorry, I know nothing about this game.
Hmm, not the reaction I was expecting. Oh well, it's a bit much to ask someone to play every game in 2014.
Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare
Jon Snow says: Sorry, don't know anything about this one either.
Oh. Not a COD fan, eh? Look, I get that. I skipped Modern Warfare to put more time into Destiny, so am sure he did the same.
Destiny
Jon Snow says: Nope, no knowledge of this game either.
Really? I mean everyone has an opinion on Destiny. Where have you been all year, Snow? Beyond the fucking wall?
Dragon Age: Inquisition
Jon Snow says: You are going to hate me... I don't know anything about this.
Not ringing any bells, Snow? Our #2 Game of the Year? Big RPG? BioWare? Dragons? Dwarf rufty? NOTHING? Are you trolling me?
Far Cry 4
Jon Snow says: Um, well, this is awkward. Literally no knowledge of this game.
Christ-on-a-bike, Snow. You're winding me up, yeah?
FIFA 15
Jon Snow says: Sorry, not heard of FIFA.
Seriously? Because it's the official game of the biggest sport on the planet. It has been running for decades. Just fake a goddam opinion. No wonder everyone calls you the bastard.
LittleBigPlanet 3
Jon Snow says: Um... I've got nothing.
Yeah, fair play, no-one bought LBP3.
Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor
Jon Snow says: This game is really... um... it's kind of. I really like the, er, robots in it... Dragon-robots. Yeah...
You don't know what the hell you're talking about, do you, Snow?
Super Smash Bros. Wii U
Jon Snow says: I... uh...
Don't even bother.
Game Of Thrones: Season 1
Jon Snow says: Wait, is that Dragon Age?
Fuck sake.
Let it Snow
Well, that was insightful. I'm calling your agent, Jon Snow, and telling them how utterly useless you are. I might as well have been talking to fucking geese. Even Hodor had an opinion on these games, even if it was the same fucking one. You? Yes, you, the one staring at the screen making that 'I'm not amused by your jokes' look. Have an opinion? Good. Leave it below, and show Jon Snow how it's done.
Want more hilarious features that are based on repeating the same joke until it gets funny? I've made a career out of those. Here's 11 Random Objects That Look Like Gaming Executives and another, really out of date piece on 8 Ways It Could Be Worse For Xbox Chief Don Mattrick (After E3 2013). Actually, that's still pretty funny.
