Unique in all the wrong ways
Ah, Valentines Day--when we all pace the floor trying to come up with gift ideas, and ask ourselves What kind of message is this going to send? If you want any hope of winning someone over, or maintaining the relationship youre already ensconced in, then you better put some thought into this lest you incur the wrath of your loved one. But plain old pink and red heart cards are so played out, and he/she/it will think you just stopped caring and took the easy way out.
We dont know which love-themed gift will make you stand out this season--but we do know which hearts you shouldnt send as a present. No matter how clever or cute you think it is, your crush is definitely going to assume youre saying something. Alternatively, if these are the messages you are trying to send, then by all means, go nuts.
Kanos trophy (Mortal Kombat)
Instead of I love you, this heart says: Im a serial killer.
Heart of the Chosen (Darksiders)
Instead of I love you, this heart says: I need you... and three other people before I can get on with my life.
Handyman's power source (BioShock Infinite)
Instead of I love you, this heart says: If Im ever on life support, please kill me.
Astaroth (Soulcalibur)
Instead of I love you, this heart says: It would be such a turn-on if your heart was sticking out of your chest, too!
Emperor (The House of the Dead 2)
Instead of I love you, this heart says: Im incapable of figuring out that a bright red circle is your only weak point.
Tyrant T-002 (Resident Evil)
Instead of I love you, this heart says: If youd rather implant your heart next to your armpit, Im cool with that too.
Health meter (Primal Rage)
Instead of I love you, this heart says: If you reject me, Im going to explode in a bloody mess. Also, if your name is Chaos, feel free to pee and fart on me.
The Heart (Dishonored)
Instead of I love you, this heart says: I enjoy whispering secrets about our relationship to masked men.
Roxas (Kingdom Hearts II)
Instead of I love you, this heart says: My heart literally has a mind and life of its own. I hope youre OK with that.
Ripper Heart (Shadow Warrior)
Instead of I love you, this heart says: Im probably a humongous racist, because I bought and played Shadow Warrior.
Mom's heart (Binding of Isaac)
Instead of I love you, this heart says: I endorse child abuse, and will gladly lock our son in the basement.
Glottis' heart (Grim Fandango)
Instead of I love you, this heart says: Youre like my overweight, comic-relief sidekick.
Health (The Darkness)
Instead of I love you, this heart says: If Im ever down and feeling blue, my razor-toothed tentacles will rip some love out of you.
GUILT-infested heart (Trauma Center)
Instead of I love you, this heart says: I think you should go see a doctor. One with the magical powers of The Healing Touch. Also we dont have health insurance.
Hearts (Castlevania)
Instead of I love you, this heart says: If you find yourself incapable of using a weapon, these should come in handy.
Statue of Happiness heart (Grand Theft Auto IV)
Instead of I love you, this heart says: Im strongly considering chaining you up and impaling you with rebar.
Impaled heart (Path of Exile)
Instead of I love you, this heart says: Id rather stab my own heart with a sword and wield it as a weapon than go out with you.
Transplant heart (Surgeon Simulator 2013)
Instead of I love you, this heart says: It is nearly impossible for me to get my hands around you. As in, I never developed basic motor skills.
Genie-style heart (Aladdin - Genesis)
Instead of I love you, this heart says: I wish you would paint your skin blue and grow a goatee.
Life (Splatterhouse)
Instead of I love you, this heart says: I would don a mask and kill hundreds of things to win you back.
Jenova (Final Fantasy VII)
Instead of I love you, this heart says: I want to cultivate your alien power by putting you in a test tube.
Hearts (Hearts)
Instead of I love you, this heart says: Youre old, and youre only fun for about ten minutes.
Weskers heart (Resident Evil 5)
Instead of I love you, this heart says: Ill still love you even when youre a mutated, megalomaniacal freak.
Heart of Gaia (God of War 3)
Instead of I love you, this heart says: I would slash you apart for green health orbs without a second thought.
Egg Heart (Sonic the Hedgehog 4: Episode II)
Instead of I love you, this heart says: Whenever I face you, Im reminded of how annoying and anticlimactic you are.
Lava-seared Drakkin Heart (EverQuest)
Instead of I love you, this heart says: Im still addicted to a game I started playing 14 years ago, and I love it way more than Ill ever love you.
Stage 1 boss' heart (Contra 3)
Instead of I love you, this heart says: I want to shoot you with my Spread Gun. That is not a euphemism.
Riftworm heart (Gears of War 2)
Instead of I love you, this heart says: I love you so much, I want to explore every inch of your intestines.
Love comes in all shapes and sizes
Will you be professing a warped message of love this Valentine's Day? Let us know in the comments below which freaky video game heart will best win over the object of your affection. Just make sure you don't say or gift anything that can be used against you in a court of law.
And if you're looking for more lovey-dovey gooeyness, check out the Top 7 Greatest love stories in gaming and Love thyself: Narcissistic game characters.
