According to her skewed and sugarcoated fairy tale, while traveling the universe Rosalina stumbled upon an orphaned Luma looking for its mother.They became the bestest friends andRosalina became matron to the stars. But you gotta read between the lines people. The subtext is clear: Rosalina and the Luma (actual name, Bob Lumanetti) were isolated for so long nature simply took its course. Doesn’t make her a bad person! The Greek Gods did stuff like this all the time.
Above: You didn’t really think that stork of a magic rocket ship spawned all those sentient stars, did you?
Unfortunately, the process of birthing millions of burning celestial bodies left Rosalina’s birth canal wrought with scar tissue, thus making human intercourse a thoroughly joyless task. So, you can’t blame Nintendo for Disney-fying this sordid tale, since being the only female to engage in behavior beyond a peck on the check automatically makes her the biggest slut in the Mushroom Kingdom.
Above: Kneel before Roz!
Mom
From: Futurama
Mother to: Ignar, Larry, and Walt
To our knowledge, only Professor Pharnsworth has tasted the sweet, sweet berry hidden in this withered husk of G.I.L.F., and that makes her all the more bitterly enticing. Crapping out three morons appears to have had little effect on her figure, although it does look as if time and gravity have taken a slight toll on her chest region.
Above: “Sweet butt crust on a cracker!”
Contrary to feminist propaganda, men can be attracted to power as well, and you can’t really get more powerful then the proprietor of the largest conglomerate universal capitalism has ever known. Even if you can deny her aged advances, anyone with the connections to turn the entire planet into a galactic warship could easily get a law passed requiring you to have sex with her. You may as well do it voluntarily and reap the financial benefits, if only to avoid all that crying in the shower.
Sophitia Alexandra
From Soulcalibur
Mother to: Patroklos and Pyrrha
At 452 years young, Sophitia is the oldest broad to grace our definitive list of gaming M.I.L.F.s. You have to draw the line somewhere and 453 is just too damned old. (Our sincerest apologies to bitches closing in on the five-double-oh.)
You gotta hand it to those jubblies, they don’t look a day older then whenever the hell they were digitally augmented by the mammary obsessed Soulcalibreast developers. And unlike the comically endowed Ivy, at least her assets serve a purpose by providing an infant feast worthy of the Gods themselves.
Above: Please enjoy some Mother’s Day side boob
Cooking Mama
From: Undetermined
Mother to: Unrestrained lust. Also cake
If the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, then Cooking Mama has us all by the balls. She slices, she dices, she teases, she arouses, god damn, she makes it hurt so good! So, what Cooking Papa doesn’t know never hurt anybody.
Right: “Mrs. Mama, you're trying to seduce me... and it's totally working!”
You could get lost in those eyes for hours before you realize she’s stabbed you 17 times and made off with your salad spinner. If that doesn’t bring you to a state of full arousal, then you may have a firmer grasp on reality than we do. Kudos.
May 9, 2008
