Wanted: Dracula's interior designer.
Job description: Oversee construction of Dracula's immense castle. Said castle must include, but is not limited to: clockwork tower filled with spikes; creepy underwater passageways; and daunting tower ideal for final showdown. Applicant must be willing to capture and train all henchmonsters. Job is seasonal - your work will be obliterated every year by a Belmont or some other such nonsense. Must be willing to create entirely new castle every year, for thousands of years until Dracula finally dies. (Note: Dracula will never die.)
Submit resumes to: Any 2D Castlevania game. THREE DIMENSIONAL APPLICANTS WILL BE DENIED.
Suckage factor: Soaring. Every year you'll have to conceive and build a new monstrous castle, only to watch some whip-cracking tool come along and burn it to the ground. Do you think the Belmonts even stop to appreciate all the hard work that goes into building a castle, or the elaborate statues that dot the hallways? Hell, does Dracula even have time to pass judgment on his own home before it's razed into atoms?
And don't get us started on the architectural challenges of maintaining an upside down castle...
Wanted: Bottomless pit digger.
Job description: Exactly what it sounds like - applicant will be required to constantly dig a hole to such depths that it appears "bottomless." No pit can truly be bottomless, however, which is why we require workers to furiously make said hole deeper. It must never appear to have an end, even if some game-breaking code allows the player to investigate the pit. Should a hero of note fall in, do not aid - simply continue digging. Forever.
Send resumes to: Super Mario Bros., Halo, the majority of 8/16-bit games.
Suckage factor: Intense. Despite all the work, Mario will probably leap over it once and never look back. But you've got to keep that pit ready in case someone else wanders by.
Back-breaking labor for all eternity... what could possibly be worse than this?
Wanted: Bottomless pit digger.
Job description: Exactly what it sounds like - applicant will be required to constantly dig a hole to such depths that it appears "bottomless." No pit can truly be bottomless, however, which is why we require workers to furiously make said hole deeper. It must never appear to have an end, even if some game-breaking code allows the player to investigate the pit. Should a hero of note fall in, do not aid - simply continue digging. Forever.
Send resumes to: Super Mario Bros., Halo, the majority of 8/16-bit games.
Suckage factor: Intense. Despite all the work, Mario will probably leap over it once and never look back. But you've got to keep that pit ready in case someone else wanders by.
Back-breaking labor for all eternity... what could possibly be worse than this?
