Have you heard of "Bowsette" yet? If you’ve spent any time on the internet in the last week - and hey, you’re here - then you’ll likely know that she's a Mario fandom-spawned phenomenon: a humanized, genderswapped Bowser with Princess Peach's hairstyle, often drawn in lewd or sexualized context. And were this any other day, maybe that's where this conversation would end. But this isn't any other today. Because today, porn studio Wood Rocket has released "Wetter Than A Water Level: The Bowsette Porn Parody".
Yup.
[NSFW WARNING: while I'll be keeping this post clean, we are nonetheless talking about pornography here, a decidedly NSFW topic in most workplaces. Please don't get in trouble by reading this article when and where you shouldn't. Okay? Let's continue.]
The meme started as a relatively innocent comic drawn by Twitter user Ayyk92, a sort of twist on the idea of making an ex jealous. It played on the idea that the Super Crown (an item being introduced in Super Mario Bros. U for Nintendo Switch) could transform Toadette into a Peach-looking being known as Peachette. Hence, why wouldn't it do the same for Bowser?
The Super Crown's some spicy new Mario lore pic.twitter.com/7DQe6UXvLQSeptember 19, 2018
Since then, the character has been reblogged, retweeted, and remixed in a variety of ways, but perhaps the ultimate validation of Bowsette's status as a viral phenomenon is that there is now a live-action porn parody starring the character.
Now, I'm not going to judge your adult film-watching habits. You do you. What I do take issue with are the imprecise depictions of the wider Mario universe in this movie. If you'll permit me, I have a few inaccuracies and inconsistencies I'd like to point out, in the hopes that future pornography may raise the bar on both authenticity and quality. After all, if you must do this, at least do it right.
Toad's head is not a hat
Maybe I'm just being pedantic here and giving the Bowsette porn parody grief for not having better costumes, but this Toad is clearly wearing a hat and Super Mario Odyssey producer Yoshiaki Koizumi has stated that Toad's mushroom cap is in fact his actual noggin. That's strike one, Bowsette porn parody!
Inaccurate portrayal of plumber's tools
There are many tools Mario might need as a plumber. What he shouldn't need is a carpenter saw, which we see hanging on the wall next to various other hand tools. That's for cutting wood! Did no one on this production even think to contact an actual plumber?
Mario's coins are too flat
Mario coins have a distinguishing rim around the outside and indentation down the middle. Why, these look practically as though they were simply lightly spray painted sheet wood cutouts! For shame.
The Super Crown is the wrong color
The Super Crown is gold, with a pink-and-white mushroom popping out the top, almost like a little muffin. It has vertical slits for eyes, befitting the Mario style. But the Bowsette porn parody's Super Crown is red, lacks any white spots, and the eyes are just sad little marker spots. Tsk, tsk.
It's Mario *Kart,* not Mario Car
Mario doesn't drive a sports car, you degenerates! He drives a kart! What, you couldn't afford to build a functional go-kart with spinning turtle shells on your porn parody budget? Gawd! (I do like the fact that the car's number is 69, though. Nice touch.)
Bowsette doesn't have a jewel in her chest
Bowsette's design is meant to be derivative of Peach. Peach wears a jewel brooch, so Bowsette has a jewel brooch. But those are just decorations pinned to their clothing, they're not an actual part of their bodies. Come on Bowsette porn parody, it's like you're just cashing in on a fad while not paying attention to the details!
That "boner pill" would kill Bowsette
About 7 minutes into the porn parody, Mario takes a "Super Mario Boner Pill," which is not a pill at all, but rather a Super Star, aka the Invincibility Star. Touching any creature while under its effects will cause an instant KO, so really this whole scenario is just absurd. Way to ignore simple logic that everyone knows!
Not a single plumbing joke
This is supposed to be a parody, and Mario doesn't make a single joke related to his profession as a plumber. Not one "I'm here to look at your pipes ma'am" or a simple "well there's your problem" innuendo. Besides the missed opportunity for humor, this could've filled some significant plot holes - after all, where does Mario get his money? You ever think of that, Bowsette porn parody? Hmmm?!
Overall I have to say I'm very disappointed in this pornographic rendition of an internet meme. It feels slapped together and kind of last-minute. Everyone knows that plot and set design are the most important features in an adult film production, and the Bowsette porn parody falls flat on both accounts. I will, however, give it props for having a watercooler full of Fireball (get it?). Now that's good writing.
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