You all knew this was coming, and the fact we live in a world where people are now bored by the inevitable mention of an Electrically-Forced-Ass-Violation-Simulator is more cybernetically terrifying than any Terminator.
Above: This man has lived an entire life, held a chained-down assgun once, and that’s what he’s famous for
This mechanical colon-torture simulator (the game’s entire point is to poke people in the anus with the giant finger controller) has now featured on more gaming sites than the PlayStation Move, and we only mentioned it to prevent the inevitable mention in the comments. And because it's still cheaper and more sensible than the Move.
Professional pervologists Teatime developed an object-tracking "T-Cam" and thirty seconds into their own demonstration we're already on sexual assault. The thirty sex-crime free seconds are, if possible, even more depressing: the patented face-tracking technology makes a huge deal about female characters actually being able to look at the player. Unlike real life.
Even more hilariously, neither of the hand-tracking gestures actually work the first time but the builders don't bother to edit the failed attempts out of their own promotional video. They know their market is used to/consists of multiple levels of spectacular failure, and understand that their hands will usually be moving too fast (but over too short a crotch-range) to track anyway.
When you're spending hundreds of dollars to peek up a simulated girl's dress, you're setting your sights so low you could get a contact orgasm from finding a lost handbag.
Every other game on this list included masturbation as an unspoken - if electrically assisted - element, but this is the first to use it as an actual game mechanic. Migite ga tomaranai boku to, osananajimi no shimai (it's a hell of a long title, but it's not like the players have anywhere to go) tracks not just how long users play, but how and how long they play with themselves. Meaning we finally have a more tragic gamer achievement than Level 80! Also: a terrifying new implication for 'grinding.'
Above: Just four more times and you'll unlock "Severe Chafing!"
Oh, and that title roughly means "I can't stop my right hand or childhood sisters," and you bet your ass those words are all major, horrible plot points. In the player's defense, they're not his sisters, and in his prosecution, it's a game about jerking off to children what the hell is wrong with you people. The special edition of the game comes with a set of "Tenga Eggs" - one-shot Japanese masturbation aids.
It's hilarious to note that the Wikipedia entry for Tenga Eggsreads more like a maintenance manual than an encyclopedia, telling you more about hardcore Wikipedia editors than you really need to know.
Sep 3, 2010
Prepare to step into a world of porn stars, cosplay, and evil western influences
Want some vintage boobs? We've got 100 of them right here
