As not played in: Assassin's Creed
To rob people for 10 hours straight – making sure to avoid the mysterious hooded gent with the pointy hands, this time. Before retiring to a nice house outside Jerusalem with all of our ill-gotten gains.
As not played in: Silent Hill 2
To rectify his bizarre plan for beating James. We’d perhaps start at not stabbing ourselves in the stomach with a six foot sword. And oh, obviously to wield a six foot sword.
As not played in: The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
To hear Patrick Stewart’s spine-tingling dulcet tones for a hundred hours. Also, when you’re king, you don’t need to seek out mysterious quest-baring characters – who often require convoluted 15 minute horse rides just to find. They seek you out.
As not played in: Halo 2
We won’t deny that being able to jump tens of feet in the air with a giant hammer would be as sweet as a ten pound bag of sugar covered in caramel. But that’s not why we want to control Tartarus. We only want him to be playable so we could splat the Arbiter into a pile of Covenant chunks under our massive monkey hammer during that opening cut-scene, saving us having to play through half of Halo 2 with the dreary alien. And let’s be honest, smashing every annoying UNSC character - that means you Miranda Keyes - with a hammer-sporting monkey would be win defined.
As not played in: Okami
We love being a dignified wolf deity, and all. But being an inch-high insect in an inappropriately horny Honey I Shrunk the Kids-style adventure – meaning you could have entire levels in women’s kimonos – for 30 hours? We’re in.
As not played in: Conker's Bad Fur Day
1) To constantly be serenaded by the sweet, soothing tones of a titanic turd. 2) To throw massive piles of bum cakes at everything we see. We’re simple folk, really.
Nov 12, 2008
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