Everybody just CALM DOWN
What is it about the Internet that turns ordinary people into raving lunatics? We may never truly know--but whenever humanity starts that research in earnest, we've got plenty of data to refer back to. E3 2014 has officially come and gone, bringing many awesome game announcements, reveals, and demos along with it. But, as is always the case, there's just no pleasing some people. All we can really do is round up these curmudgeons' insane reactions and have a good laugh at them.
We've trolled around the Internet--specifically our many articles covering E3 2014 games, Facebook outbursts, and YouTube comments--to find the most outrageous, vile, or straight-up nonsensical statements this side of the world wide web. Are these reactions to this year's E3 announcements in any way justified? You be the judge. (But no, they're not.)
--Jonathon M., uninterested in Halo 5: Guardians
--RatedRLoquender, relaying what his friends told him about Metal Gear Solid 5: The Phantom Pain (maybe they all played debug builds of the game already?)
--Emiliano F., positively dumbfounded at why Assassin's Creed Unity exists
"This franchise has become such a joke. Call of Duty Halo Recon: Crysis Shadowfall."
--Jacob S., nicknaming the latest Call of Duty title
"The game is stupid , whebifbebejhdebfih lara croft tomb raider is the best not lara croft"
--Mahir E. K., reacting to Rise of the Tomb Raider and seemingly experiencing a stroke mid-sentence
--Bobby Soup, perhaps secretly jealous of Faith's freerunning in the new Mirror's Edge
--Dan S., comparing apples and oranges in relation to Star Fox on Wii U
"--you could save your money
--by
--cutting out a small 2"x9"x13" block of wood(and painting it black)
--sit it out and watch the dust collect on it
--and say to yourself
--"so thats how much dust my wiiU would collect"
--GamesRadar commenter extraordinaire Grady_McAlister, providing an alternative to the Sony's PS Vita, said in a way only he can say it
--Carlos B., on this year's Microsoft press conference
"if giving handjobs was looked at as normal as giving a handshake in this world, then i would definitely give you a handjob. thanks man"
--JoeyTheBrave, giving the developers of No Man's Sky the most confusing compliment(?) ever
"This is a disgrace.... I cannot fathom this being even REMOTELY entertaining for people that are above the age of 12.... Unless those individuals are specially handicapped, and love repetition and long hours of fast-walking around someones attempt at making a good map for others to delve into. Seriously, what the fuck Fable devs? Is there a disease going around your offices? Named.... Mediocrity?"
--Kole K., reacting to the gameplay reveal of Fable Legends
"I hate those mini cutscenes too. I mean cutscenes are good, make me rest my hands for a while but for the love of God don't overdo it. Plus those black bars/widescreen are really putting me off. I'd rather have a 900p or even 720p game and then full screen rather than a 1080p game with 280 of pixels are just black and rendering no picture at all."
--aaron-aquipel-avelino, with a decent point to make regarding The Order: 1886's cinematic style
--mistaflake, simultaneously making a misogynistic statement AND an endorsement of bird-centric beastiality (if you stop and think about it for a second) regarding The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt
"Nintendo is the biggest LOSER for this years E3 2014 and following XBOX 1 as well.. I will never buy the Wii-U and Nintendo needs to GTFO out of the gaming business.. Sheezus their game graphics still look the same like it did in 1987..... LOSERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR"
--Tony B., who miraculously discovered the Wii U's HD graphics in 1987
--matt40405, observing how human speech works in Tales of Xillia 2
--Dave M., who has managed to condense Rise of the Tomb Raider into one teasing phrase
--Flex J., informing the world that he won't be purchasing Battlefield Hardline
--Michael E., opposed to No Man's Sky's endless space exploration
--winner2, who wants nothing to do with Star Fox or its barrel rolls
--ADEspadas, posing a somewhat valid (if grammatically incorrect) question about the anatomy of the fighters in the Mortal Kombat X roster
--Pichu647, accurately describing what would happen if film director Michael Bay were to watch the Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare trailer
"We had to include this one just to be safe. READ ! This isnt fake. apparently, if u copy and paste this to ten comments in the next ten minutes u will have the best day of ur life tomorrow. u will either get kissed or asked out, if u break this chain u will see a little dead girl in your room tonight. in 53 mins someone will say i love you or im sorry"
--Daniel A., cursing you with the power of Internet chain letters (that have absolutely nothing to do with E3 2014)
"Nimtendo said they were going to make thw biggest baddst zelda game ever and this is it? April fools day was a couple of months ago guys"
--Joel S., fan of Nintendo and hater of Nimtendo
--Mysteryblocks, responding to Yoshi's Woolly World. Is this a primal expression of happiness? Sadness? Anger? We honestly have no idea
A blast from the hateful past
E3 happens once a year, and there will always be a community of zealous gamers spewing forth ludicrous reactions to the games of the show. Want to relive all the craziness we witnessed this time last year? Click on for a taste of E3 2013's most absurd, scathing comments (that sound even crazier--or perhaps prophetic--one year later).
If, for whatever bizarre reason, you wanted a throwback to the days of gamers ridiculing the Xbox One, this is definitely it. But don't worry--these commenters are also equal-opportunity haters.
--Clifton A, regarding the Wii U
"That's y Nintendo is garbage they are all about money and saying screw u fans just like microsoft" --Joseph M, referencing the Nintendo Direct
--Tim M, from an article about PS4
--Daz B, was asked what his favorite part of E3 was
"Oh cant wait for Sonys network to go down again, and again die, come back, hacked, die, again." Diego L, regarding the PS3 bricking update
--Chris O, pretty self explanatory
"im trying to figure why 12DOVE just went fullretard posting up a xfailone game." --Mark H, in an article specifically about Xbox One games
--John M, totally out of left field, must have just wanted to be a part of the conversation somehow
--Andrew H, from a PC games from E3 list
"The update has been rectified ,Should work fine now, Still better than crapbox lmfao" --Sergio C, regarding the PS3 bricking update
"What idiots. Why not just do that in the first place!?!?! Always trying to take advantage of consumers. That's Microsoft for ya. In It for their pockets" --Christopher M, regarding Xbox DRM changes
"And One does not simply buy an Xbox One without looking incredibly foolish in the process." --Paul S, in an article about Xbox price
"a bricked ps3 is still better than xbox one's wank spy cam shite" --James V, regarding the PS3 bricking update
"dude a piece of a stick would still be better then a xbox ine" --Anthony R, regarding the PS3 bricking update
"What does the PS4 do again?? Nothing special?? Thats great!!! Good job PS!! Demographics that target cheap broke gamers. Stay classy Play Station." --Jace P, regarding PS4 price
"Microsoft sabotage in retaliation of an embarrassing E3! LoL" --Christopher D, regarding the PS3 bricking update
--Reira M, who the hell knows why it was said, there was zero context
"They can stick them up their arse. PS4 all the way" --Nathan C, in an article about how the PS4 and Xbox games are both going to cost $60
"Well that escalated quickly." --Jay C, can apply to every article
"oh and this is why Xbox is better, they don't have monkeys typing lines of code." --Diego L, regarding the PS3 bricking update
"Omg. Trash.... Fucking trash... Always will be trash.." --Luke T, regarding the PS4
"you know i'm curious when the BRAINWASHED Tech media and the gamers who sheepishly follow this garbage are going to give it a rest?" --Splinter B, in an article about PS4 vs Xbox
"if there isn't anything on One that interests you, you can't even be considered a gamer." --Dan O, in an article about Xbox exclusives
Hate hate hate hate hate
Feel like you've had your daily dose of insanity? Don't worry--we're sure that as these games near release, many more Internet commenters will have many more psychotic (if not witty) comments to make in response. In fact, we guarantee it.
And if you're looking for more, check out E3 2014's best and silliest PR quotes, translated into real world truth-talk and The most awkward, uncomfortable moments of E3 2014.
