Keanu Reeves as Solid Snake?

Keanu Reeves
You may remember him from... Point Break, The Matrix Trilogy, A Scanner Darkly

Manfuzz
Top beard action from Reeves in A Scanner Darkly proves he can grow it, but he doesn't wear it nearly as well as the other men in our list.

Husky tones
Okay, so this is a bit of a comedy addition. Can you imagine Keanu's woodworm-infested delivery taking on Snake's battlefield bluntness? Exactly.

Psycho babble
At least Reeves leads the field in some way, though. His Matrix meanderings might not be that convincing, but he's at least comfortable with voicing some utterly ludicrous metaphysical rubbish.

Looks good in a cardboard box?
Too weedy, too poster-boyish, too empty-faced. Keanu -don't call us, we won't call you.