G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra review

Some games are stupid, and some games are G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. It’s so stupid we’ve invented a new genre for it: stup ’em-up – games that primarily involve lasers. Sometimes, instead of firing lasers, you’ll lob a grenade – that’s called variation – and sometimes you get in a car and crash into a mountain because of the worst driving controls known to man. Somehow, we don’t think stup ’em-ups will catch on…

The game’s based on toys, a cartoon and a film with Dennis Quaid in it – all stupid things, in their own way. It’s basically a 3D Contra, with linear levels full of men and robots that need to be destroyed for some reason. In order to do this, you plant your finger on the fire button, then run around in circles trying not to get hit. It’s how the phrase “It’s not rocket science” was invented. When you’ve blown up enough things, you win a brief ride in an Accelerator suit, which beefs up your lasers, gives you unlimited special attacks and makes you run like you’re dying for the toilet.

The chance to play the whole thing in co-op is a nice touch but, despite the occasional glimmer of enjoyment, this is too dull to keep anyone entertained for long. Fans of gratuitous lasers and/or 3rd Rock from the Sun’s Joseph Gordon-Levitt might get something out of it though.

Sep 14, 2009