NPCs need loving too
Love is a gamble. Cupid's arrow doesn't always hit its target, and sometimes it misses altogether. This is as true in real life as it is in games, where digital connections can be forged and forgotten without the hero (or heroine) ever cluing in.
In tribute to these virtual missed connections, we poured through the personal ads of the gaming world to bring you the most touching, desperate, and cringe-inducing letters from characters looking for a second shot at love. Join as we celebrate the relationships that could've been (but never will be) in our gallery of aching hearts...
You broke my chandelier. And my heart f4h
"Before you landed on Pumpkin Island, I was just a lonely waitress with a sad song. Now that you're gone, my days just don't have the same spice. My father insists you've only got eyes for a princess, but I think I have what it takes to collect your heart. When you're done saving the world, why not stop by for a late night milk? My field could still use a little work..."
- Spotted in the Grooselist.com
You pressed all the right buttons - gfGoW
"Sigh. I guess you Spartans are all the same. Still, I thought I was more than a wham-bam-thanks-for-the-health-boost-ma'am. The way you Square, Circle, and Ex'd Persephone in the fountain and then Triangle, Triangle, Counter-Clockwise spun me around that night ... well ... those kind of moves can make a girl feel special. Care for a replay? We promise to make you forget all about accidentally slaughtering your family. "
- Spotted in Bathhouse Confessions
I was your first p4p
"I know I'm low-res and don't have as many animations as them. But I was your first, and I thought that meant something. You can change your name and play games with your celebrity friends, but I know there's a Jump Man inside you who yearns for a simpler time. So go and dress up in cat suits. Play your sports. Drive your karts. I'll be here waiting at the finish line for the day you realize that true happiness comes with a hammer, a ladder, and your first lady in pink."
- Spotted in The DK Daily
Restless in Los Santos s4t
"Where'd you go, Mr. Philips? That clown guy says you own this place, but I never see you around. Sapphire heard you run a successful business up north, but Chastity insists she saw you running in your underwear down Vinewood Boulevard. You are a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside a blood stained t-shirt with a Canadian accent, and I can't get you out of my mind. My pulse quickens whenever I hear sirens. My knees get weak when helicopters explode. It may have only been two-minutes of awkward fondling to you, but it was long enough to steal my heart. Turn yourself in. I promise I won't go easy..."
- Spotted in the Los Santos Meteor
Braaaanez? Brrrraiiaaans, Brains! Z4f
"Wut U up 2? You coMing bak? STARZ dont treet you gud. I TREAT U GUD! I wuz doktor. I fiks u up with herbs! We hunt monstors togethur! We mAke goOd team! Pleez com bak. Me only waNt to hug! (maybee eat Brain?). Kall me, mabee?"
- Spotted in Raccoon City Monthly
Set me free! b4TR
"It's a lonely life, but you'll never hear me complain. I know I'm nearly four times your age, and I know we're but passing ships on an ocean of unrequited love. One day, though, I hope you'll holster your Desert Eagles for good and then--maybe then--you'll shine that flashlight upon the dusty tombs of my heart...?"
- Spotted in Raider's Digest
You know what they say about a guy with big hands? h4f
"No offense, but I gotta ask why you're hanging out with DeWitt? That guy's old enough to be your dad! You gotta get you butt back to my side of town so I can show you how real Colombians roll. I'm talking dinner at the Blue Ribbon, drinks at the Good Time Club, and kickin' it at Battleship Bay till dawn. I don't care how many realities there are, you're one of a kind."
- Spotted in the Minuteman Gazette
I can teach you more than how to make bombs - mfm
"So, how 'bout it, friend? What if you dropped that kid off at the nearest gas station and head on back for a visit? What if you put all this infection business aside and cut loose? We could grab a few beers, shoot us some clickers, and heck, maybe even fire up that arcade cabinet and give those joysticks a twirl. Hell, I ain't looking for anything major, just a friend at the end of the world. Preferably one with benefits, but we can start slow..."
- Spotted in Apocalypse: Now?
Heart to the power of three - c4f
"Alas, see what you've done to me, dear Chell? Our time together in Test Chamber 17 has rendered me prone to romantic prose. Basked in the gravitational field of your portal gun, I came alive. Casting me into the incinerator only fueled the fire within my heart. I know I am but a cube, but even you cannot deny our connection. Here, I sit charred and forlorn upon the Aperture Science parking lot, relieved in the knowledge that you are free and are but readying our love nest to return and take me away. You are coming back, right? Chell?"
- Spotted in the Aperture Journal of Interdimensional Science (Summer Issue)
I've only got eye for you -t4f
"You want the real deal? Call me: ATLAS, the ultimate in cooperative testing, portal puzzling, and getting it on. We locked sensors in the Aperture Science Enrichment Centre and my personality core has been in an infinite loop ever since. Face it, girl, you know I'm the Personality Construct android for you. I was designed for maximum hit ratios and maximum fun. Plus, with my new upgrade, I've got a few sexy tricks up my sleeve. Give me a shot, Subject 1498. I promise I won't miss."
- Printed in the Aperture Journal of Interdimensional Science (Winter Issue)
Happy hunting
If you're still searching for a love connection like these characters, we wish you all the best in your quests. And if you'd like to use our comment section to write a missed connections post of your own, we won't stop you, but you're better off with Craigslist.
And if you're looking still looking for love, check out gaming's most cringeworthy pick-up lines and unrequited loves that were never meant to be.
