NASCAR 07
Platform: Xbox
Metacritic Score: 7.2/10
Who’s to Blame: Next Level Gaming for awarding this trailer trash title a 8.5/10 trophy
The gamers we know have been busy talking about how good The Dark Knight was and are still arguing about whether or not The Watchmen movie is going to suck. They’re not discussing Jeff Gordon or Kyle Busch. Do you know why? It’s because NASCAR is the most boring sport ever.
Okay. We admit that we’ve never played NASCAR 07 and don’t really have much to say about how the series has developed since NASCAR 2001. But that’s not because we’re unprofessional. It’s just that we don’t care. NASCAR 07 may very well be the best racing game we’ve never played, but we’re going to go out on a limb here and say that driving around in circles isn’t really seven-out-of-ten points of fun.
Above: If you’re a diehard NASCAR fan and are offended by this, then all ten of you should ignore us and just buy it. We heard it was OKAY
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
Platform: PS2
Metacritic Score: 7.4/10
Who’s to Blame: VideoGamer for giving this piece of movie merchandise a score of 8/10
Sure. Your eight-year-old kid will probably like The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian. But kids like just about anything that the TV tells them they’re supposed to. Critics should know better and with so many other great RPGs to choose from, it’s sad when something as horrid as this manages to scrape by with anything greater than a six.
As far as RPGs go, Prince Caspian is about as magical and entertaining as the Narnia-branded fast food meals, action figures and crappy collectibles that you’ve come to expect whenever a big budget film tries to capitalize on your childhood memories.
Above: Guess what? If you liked the book and you liked the movie and you like crappy games based on movies then you’ll probably think this one is all right
America’s Army: Rise of a Soldier
Platform: Xbox
Metacritic Score: 7/10
Who’s to Blame: Yahoo Games for awarding America’s Army four-and-a-half-out-of-five stars
It’s pretty pathetic that the US Army had to go and release military recruitment propaganda disguised as a terrible first-person shooter. What’s even more insulting is that publisher Ubisoft had the gall to release several retail versions of America’s Army when the latest version of this boring ass shooter was already available to download for free online. How did this awful advertisement for the US Army (which you had to pay actual money for) manage to scrape by with a so-so seven? We blame Yahoo Games for giving it four and a half out of five stars. Here’s a brief excerpt from their review:
“We can think of few shooters that capture so well the dynamics of modern combat. And we can think of even fewer that have managed to stand out with such a unique and compelling approach as America's Army: Rise of a Soldier.”
- Tom Chick, Yahoo Games
Above: You know, giving an awful game like the retail version of America’s Army a near perfect score isn’t the only way to support our troops
EVERY Dragon Ball Z game EVER
Platforms: All of them
Metacritic Score: Look at all the wishy washy sevens!
Who’s to Blame: Everyone. We’re talking about every magazine and website that over scored a DBZ game because the reviewer was too much of a fan of the anime or wanted to cover up the fact that they couldn’t tell the difference between Broly and Bardock.
Okay. So not every Dragon Ball Z game scraped by with a ‘meh’ seven. But it seems utterly ridiculous to dive into the granular differences between the countless DBZ titles that have been shoveled upon us over the years. Let’s be honest. For the most part, Dragon Ball Z games are all pretty terrible fighters. Whether you’re talking about the SNES ones, the PlayStation ones, or the 2D or 3D ones, they’re mostly button mashers, have nearly identical fighter rosters, and almost never get the flying and Kamehameha action parts down right. The only thing they’ve always got going for them is the popularity of the manga and anime series.
Don’t get us wrong. We used to love Dragon Ball Z. But back then, we were only fourteen, had barely even seen any anime, and new episodes were showing up on dented VHS tapes at our local Chinese-run pirated video store every other week. That was over a decade ago. C’mon people! Son Goku and company keep coming back for second servings of your money years after the anime ended, and with so many breezy sevens, these games tend to get way more credit than they deserve.
Note to self: Reviewers should stop giving bad DBZ fighters a free pass because of the popularity of an anime that ended over TEN YEARS ago!
Continue on to read the blandest reviewers in the industry.
