Why you can trust 12DOVE
An all-star cast flails about to no discernible purpose in Duncan Ward’s Altman-esque satire, a flaccid take on the London art scene that doesn’t appear to have benefited from having Damien Hirst as consultant.
Danny Huston and Stellan Skarsgård play rival sharks (of the un-pickled variety) competing to get aged collector Christopher Lee to part with the eponymous Mondrian, a battle which eventually sees Stellan’s wife (Gillian Anderson), his mistress (Heather Graham) and Danny’s rollerskating assistant (Amanda Seyfried) become collateral damage.
This, though, is only one plot strand in a muddled mish-mash of eye-catching paintings that’s annoyingly, curiously bereft of a single sympathetic character. The closest it gets is struggling dealer Alan Cumming, a loser clinging onto the coattails of lesbian video artist Jaime Winstone for dear life.
Like everyone else, alas, Cumming overplays his hand, his weepy hysterics setting the tone for an aggravating, shallow shambles.
Neil Smith is a freelance film critic who has written for several publications, including Total Film. His bylines can be found at the BBC, Film 4 Independent, Uncut Magazine, SFX Magazine, Heat Magazine, Popcorn, and more.
The Bear season 3 review: "Equal parts delicious and depressing"
News on the next Tomb Raider game and The Lord of the Rings MMO isn't "too far away," but Amazon Games doesn't want them to "be rushed out"
The Acolyte showrunner teases the potential future of the Star Wars show, with "four to five major mysteries" for season 2