The burning question on everybody's lips is; are Megan Fox and R-Pattz an item? The next question after that is; who would win in a fight between an Alien and an Animal?
Thankfully we can answer one of those questions with relative ease. Megan Fox certainly wasn't dating R-Pattz when she was texting us all last night. Oh!
As for the aliens vs. animals thing, we can't settle that with semantics or our trademark wit. No, this calls for a jungle rumble of royal proportions.
So ready yourselves, fight fans, for a freestyle festival of hurt, as movie aliens take on our most deadly animals in a brawl for all throwdown.
Ready?... Let's get it on!
ET, ET: The Extra Terrestrial (1982)
10 years before that Culkin kid bothered cinema by being left home alone, this pint-sized off-worlder was left to fend for himself on the mean streets of Smalltown, USA.
Managing to form an alliance with a local rug rat, the spindley-fingered ET demonstrated his awesome superpowers, including telekenesis, tele-healing and making Drew Barrymore cry.
Phone-Home Ability: 7
Penis Finger Factor: 10
Fight Pedigree: 7
vs.
A Giant Anteater
The giant anteater is the largest of the anteater species, this nocturnal mammal has an excellent sense of smell, which it uses to locate ants and termites, consuming up to 30,000 insects in a single day.
Although known for their fairly slow-paced lifestyle, an adult anteater is more then capable of holding his own. Standing up on its hind legs, it can fend off or even kill jaguars and cougars, the anteater’s main predators.
How Many Insects? Ability: 9
We’ve Been Known To Slay The Odd Cougar Too, Factor: 10
Fight Pedigree: 8
Let Battle Commence!
The anteater makes the first move, rearing up on it’s hind legs and attempting a bear hug, a move which has proven effective against big cats.
ET does his alien thing and all of a sudden he’s in the air, out of reach of the long snouted mammal.
The Anteater is on his tip-toes trying to reach, but overbalances and cuts himself on a spare circular saw blade which has been left lying around for purposes of this plot.
With the Anteater bleeding and in distress, ET lands and touches the Anteater’s wound with his glowing penis finger, and heals it instantly.
The Anteater realises ET means him no harm, and takes the Extra Terrestrial for a bike ride, putting him in the basket up front.
ET then levitates the bike, and drops it and the anteater off a cliff, leaving himself floating in midair.
The Anteater is dead. ET wins.
Aliens 1 - Animals 0
Next: Predator vs. Colossal Squid [page-break]
Predator, Predator (1987)
This dreadlocked space hunter is the intergalactic version of a red neck with a six pack of Coors; armed, dangerous and with a face only a mother/sister could love.
Experienced, battle-hardened and war-weary, the Predator is equipped with state of the art weaponary, and trained for any situation not involving Arnie or, hmm, Danny Glover.
Dylan! You Son Of A Bitch!-ness: 10
Arnie We Get, But Danny Glover? Factor: 7
Fight Pedigree: 10
vs.
A Colossal Squid
The largest invertibrate on the planet and big brother of the giant squid, the colossal squid can grow up to 46ft in length, which is the size of 46 12-inch rulers. It has the largest eyes in the animal kingdom, and the largest beak.
Possessing a stout, thick body and large mantle, it has tentacles equipped with sharp hooks, sometimes three-pointed. It is known to regularly do battle with sperm whales, because what else would it fight? Oh, right.
Sounds Like The Tentacles From The Mist Factor: 10
Nobody Has Ever Seen One, Stealth Ability: 10
Fight Pedigree: 10
Let Battle Commence...
The Predator ejects his spaceship over the Pacific Ocean and shoots into the murky depths like a torpedo.
Once underwater, he uses a sophisticated alien re-breather that we just made up to swim around in search of his quarry.
Several hours later and he’s still swimming, it seems he didn’t get the memo that nobody has ever seen one of these things alive.
Several more hours and a dozen inquisitive sharks later, Predator is pretty knacked from fighting underwater.
Deciding to make his way to the surface, he kicks but his leg is suddenly grabbed by a thick tentacle, it’s three-pointed barbs tearing the flesh, turning the water an odd green.
Trying to use his targeting computer to shoot the beast, Predator is dismayed to discover the damn thing is only waterproof to 25 metres and is no longer functioning.
Too tired to fight back, the Predator is pulled into the murky depths and devoured by the colossal squid.
Colossal squid Wins!
Aliens 1 - Animals 1
Next: Xenomorph vs. Bear [page-break]
Xenomorph, Alien (1978)
Birthed from the stomach of John ‘That’s Gotta’ Hurt, via the completely, positively, certified sane mind of HR Giger, the Alien is the Great White of extra terrestrials; a perfect killing machine.
With a razor-toothed tongue inside a razor-toothed mouth, acid-blood, claws and fewer morals than a Motley Crue Christmas party, these sum-bitches don’t mess about.
Hide and Seek Ability: 10
Haha, You Got Beat By A Girl! Factor: 9
Fight Pedigree: 10
vs.
A Bear
The Kodiak bear, or Alaskan Brown bear, is the largest of the bear subspecies and the males can grow to about 1,500 lbs and 10ft tall when stood upright. Don’t let their size fool you, however, they’ve been clocked running at 40mph.
In most circumstances, Kodiak bears are shy and avoid contact with humans, unless they are threatened, surprised or attracted by garbage or dead game – then they will ruin your shit… ask Timothy Treadwell.
That's About The Size Of A Volkswagon Golf Factor: 10
Weird Hippy Documentary-Maker Eating Ability: 9
Fight Pedigree: 10
Let Battle Commence...
The Xenomorph camouflages himself amongst the dark branches of some trees as the Kodiak bear circles beneath.
With the scent of the Alien thick in the air, Kodiak barges the tree, which drops quicker than a working girls underbritches during business hours.
Nowhere left to hide, the Xen launches himself at the Bear, who catches him mid-air like a flopping salmon, and tears him in two.
Biting into the flesh, the Bear is covered in green blood, which immediately begins to dissolve his flesh.
In seconds the Kodiak is merely a smouldering pile of bones, eaten by the corrosive blood of the alien, who’s lifeless corpse lies in two pieces next to the bear.
The Round Is A Tie!
Aliens 2 - Animals 2
Next: Critters vs. Piranhas [page-break]
Crites, Critters (1986)
A whole barrel of trouble, the ‘Crites’ are like the board game Hungry, Hungry Hippos; just as hungry, but not quite as entertaining.
Demonstrating the flesh eating skills of the members of Fat Camp on BBQ night, the Crites possess more teeth than a Tim Curry sneer, and can roll into a big ball of awesome that will piss on your bonfire.
Self-Congratulatory Pat On The Back For A Tim Curry Reference Factor: 10
Self-Congratulatory Pat On The Back For A Hungry, Hungry Hippos Reference Factor: 10
Fight Pedigree: 9
vs.
Piranhas
Inhabiting the waters of the Amazon basin, piranhas are famed for their razor-sharp teeth and insatiable appetite for flesh. Commonly between 6-10 inches in length, these little buggers have been known to grow to 18 inches.
The classic image of this carnivorous fish is their ability to de-flesh a skeleton in seconds, though this is thought to be an exaggeration. They will, if starved, cannibalise each other, so not the kind of team you want to play for.
You Make Us Not Want To Swim Ability: 10
Cinema Lied To Us About Your Abilities Factor: 10
Fight Pedigree: 9
Let Battle Commence...
The Critters aren’t massive fans of water, so they stand at the edge of the pond, taunting their opponents by displaying their tasty flesh.
The piranha jump and swoop from the water, trying to get a piece of the Crite action, to no avail.
One of the Critters uses his sharp teeth to cut himself, and lets a few drops enter the water.
This sends the piranha into a frenzy, and they begin leaping from the water towards the Crites, who simply take a few steps back.
The Crites look on laughing heartily as the piranhas flop about on land, and suffocate to death.
The Crites Win!
Aliens 3 - Animals 2
Next: Martians vs. Meerkats [page-break]
Martians, War of the Worlds (2005)
Not only is there life on Mars, but those Martian bastards have been secretly plotting to invade the Earth and enslave humanity for a millennia.
Cavaliering around in their nifty tripod thingy-whatsits, the invaders seem pretty much indestructible by man-made weaponry and Scientology seminars… until they catch they get a case of the man-flu.
Man-Flu Repeling Abiltiy: 0
His Son Survived? Factor: 5
Fight Pedigree: 9
vs.
Meerkats
Not just mere cats, these small mammals are members of the Mongoose family, which is actually nothing like a goose, mon. They are native to parts of Botswana and South Africa and usually live in a “mob” of around 20.
It is popular African belief that the meerkat protects stray cattle and lone tribesmen from werewolves, which makes them pretty damn bad-ass. They can also be found not advertising car insurance comparison sites.
Not Advertising Price Comparison Website Ability: 9
Simples Factor: 10
Fight Pedigree: 9
Let Battle Commence...
The Martians mobilise their tripod towards the meerkats, who’s tactic of looking cute goes out of the window when they realise Martians have no concept of cute.
With several of their number vapourised by the beam emanating from the tripod, the kats form a new plan.
Two of the kats try to distract the Martians with an hilarious comedy routine about the similarity between the word ‘Meerkat’ and ‘Market’, in a strange Eastern European language.
The rest of the lats try to do their warding off werewolves thing, but since that is just a myth, they fail on an epic level, and are taken prisoner.
The meerkats then watch helplessly as one by one they are processed as plant food, their pulped bodies sprayed as fertilizer on the Martian crop.
Martians Win!
Aliens 4 - Animals 2
Next: Independence Day Aliens vs. Marmosets [page-break]
The Aliens from Independence Day (1996)
Another race of Alien invaders, this one less interested in enslaving humanity, more in destroying models of famous landmarks from every conceivable angle, in slow motion.
Strip mining their way around the Universe, this lot are a nasty bunch. Wearing bio-armour suits and flying their saucers like Maverick on a mission, they scored an epic fail for messing with Randy Quaid.
Apple Powerbook Compatibility: 10
I Have Got To Get Me One Of These Factor: 9
Fight Pedigree: 9
vs.
Marmosets
These tiny primates are rather primitive in comparison to other monkeys, but don’t let that fool you, marmosets will tear your shit up. How you ask? They have claws for one, and you know who else has claws? Wolverine, dude.
They are also equipped with long lower incisors, which they deploy to chew through trees in order to feast on gum. Substitute ‘trees’ for ‘human limbs’ and ‘gum’ for ‘flesh’, and marmosets begin to look absolutely terrifying.
Oh, So That's What A Marmoset Is Factor: 10
Now We Really want To See A Horror Film With Zombie Marmosets Factor: 10
Fight Pedigree: 7
Let Battle Commence…
The Independence Day Aliens position their saucer over marmoset HQ – i.e. a tree. They then blow the shit out of the tree.
This infuriates the marmosets who uses their primitive programming skills to download a Plausibility Virus onto the Alien computer.
The Aliens abandon ship as it starts to explode for no reason, and once on the ground, the marmosets try to burrow through their exo suits to feast on their flesh.
They fail however and are trampled by the Alien troops, who flee the scene as the saucer comes crashing down onto every marmoset habit in a five mile radius, wiping out the entire species.
Independence Day Aliens win!
Aliens 5 - Animals 2
Next: The Thing vs. An Aye Aye [page-break]
The Thing, The Thing (1982)
Frozen in the ice of the Antarctic for a millennia, a Norwegian expedition inadvertently digs this nasty bit of galactic engineering up, thaws it out and lets it loose among the bearded science types.
Able to mimic any person or object, the Thing is indeed a deadly foe, one whom for the only logical means of defeat is to freeze it the shit up again, and try not to get killed in the process.
Disguising Itself As Snake Plissken Ability: 10
We Wish We Could Grow A Beard Factor: 10
Fight Pedigree: 10
vs.
An Aye Aye
The Aye Aye is one of Mother Nature’s cruelest moments (PMS has a lot to answer for), and holds the distinction of being the largest nocturnal primate, and also having a face like a moose chewing wasps.
Using its sharp front teeth to bore holes in trees, the Aye Aye then fishes out grubs with it’s elongated middle finger. Hell, if that’s what he can do with one finger, imagine what he’d do with the whole hand?
Vomit-Inducing Ability: 10
Cute In A 'What The Hell Is It' Kinda Way Factor: 10
Fight Pedigree: 7
Let Battle Commence…
Straight out of the gate is The Thing, who transforms himself into an Aye Aye doppelganger, intending to confuse the fugly primate.
But the Aye Aye is well prepared and pulls out a full length mirror, pointing at his foe.
Once The Thing sees the monstrosity he has become, he whips out a pistols and takes his own life.
The Aye Aye wins.
Aliens 5 – Animals 3
Next: Transformers vs. Giant Coconut Crabs [page-break]
Transformers, Transformers (2007)
The defenders of Cybertron, after deciding they want to exclusively market the vehicles of General Motors, land on Earth and set up shop.
Possessed with the ability to disguise themselves as any mechanical object, usually a GM vehicle, they also come armed to the teeth with guns, missiles and Megan Fox… what were we saying?
Marketing A Range Of Naff Vehicles Abiltiy: 10
More Than Meets The Eye Factor: 10
Fight Pedigree: 10
vs.
Giant Coconut Crabs
This colossal crustacean is found in the Pacific Islands, and is probably the inspiration for every hokey Japanese Monster movie ever made.
Able to crush a coconut with one swipe, these terrifying beasts are also slower than a tortoise in an electric car. Still, wouldn’t want one in our vicinity, slow or not, it doesn’t need to touch you to induce cardiac arrest.
Inducing Pant-shitting Abiltiy: 10
If It Can Do That To A Coconut, What Can It Do To A Skull? Factor: 10
Fight Pedigree: 8
Let Battle Commence…
This fight is guest directed by Academy Award attendee Michael Bay.
Space. Slo-mo. Explosion. Megan Fox. Megan Fox. Car. Robot. Car. Explosion. Slo-mo. Explosion. Megan Fox.
The crabs form a dagger attack formation and begin to crawl up Opitmus Prime’s leg. He stays perfectly still, having sworn to protect all life on Earth.
Slo-mo. Han Zimmer. Explosion. Racial Stereotype. Megan Fox. Mid-Riff. Cleavage. Mid-Riff. Sad Eyes. Robot. Robot. Crabs.
Jazz, the black one, does some breakdancing and starts jive talkin’, which is what all racial stereotypes are contracted to do, and makes fun of Optimus for having Crabs.
Exposition. Exposition. Cleavage. Explosion. Slo-mo. Mid-Riff. Explosion. Car. Robot. Crabs. Shia LaBeouf. Deus Ex Machina. The End.
The Transformers win! (We Think)
Aliens 6 – Animals 3
Next: Superman vs. A Sloth [page-break]
Superman, Superman (1978)
Krypton’s last son is to Earth what totalfilm.com is to social skills; totally alien. Easy to forget, but the whole reason for the Big Blue Boy Scout’s superpowers is the effect of our foreign ‘yellow’ sun.
Depending on which writer is at the helm, or which era Supes you’re reading, the Man of Steel has powers including flight, strength, speed, laser-beam eyes etc etc. Dislikes Kryptonite somewhat.
Disguising Himself With A Pair Of Glasses And A Geeky Outlook Ability: 10
Could Lois Lane Handle A Night With Superman, Really? Factor: 10
Fight Pedigree: 10
vs.
A Sloth
Nature’s couch potato, the Sloth is the poster-mammal for the perinnial stoners out there, the members of Generation Why Bother.
Never in a rush, never stressed and never far from the next nap, the life of the sloth is a life of leisure. Not really a fighter, not really much of anything, the sloth is the jungle equivalent of a council estate dole dosser.
Making Us Sleepy just Looking At It Ability: 10
No Relation To Sloth From The Goonies, Factor: 10
Fight Pedigree: 1
Let Battle Commence…
The sloth swings from a branch, chewing on some grubs. Superman buggers off to rescue some explorers from a mudslide.
He returns six hours later, as the sloth finishes his mouthful.
Waiting patiently for the sloth to engage him in battle, as Supes never throws the first punch, he is hypnotized into a deep sleep by the sloth’s rhythmic chewing.
Lying asleep directly below the sloth, the Blue Boy Scout doesn’t notice a stealthy Batman slip a Kryptonite ring over the sloths’s two toes, before silently disappearing into the night.
The sloth drops from the tree onto the sleeping Man of Steel, who feels the crushing blow thanks to the Kryptonite.
Taking advantage of his opponents weakened state, the sloth punches Supes in the face with the ring incredibly slowly, but still hard enough to cause a knock out.
This is more like the actual effect of Kryptonite on Superman, rendering the bullshit ending of Superman Returns, with its Kryptonite continent, completely obsolete. Superman is dead.
The Sloth wins!
Aliens 6 – Animals 4
Next: Howard The Duck vs. A Duck [page-break]
Howard The Duck, Howard The Duck (1986)
Hailing from the planet Duckworld - a sort of alternative Earth that generates terrible box-office – Howard the Duck is as deadly with his hands as he is with his wit… which isn’t much really.
Trained in the ancient art of ‘Quack Fu’ and a master of spouting proper bullshit, Howard is a formidable enemy, especially for the career of up-and-coming actress Lea Thompson.
Seriously, A Talking Duck? Factor: 10
Better Than TotalFilm.com At Bedding Earth Girls Factor: 10
Fight Pedigree: 6
vs.
A Duck
Seasonal pond dweller and bread-filled geriatric entertainment, the duck is about as threatening as one of the gum-affluent senile citizens who feed them.
Actually that is pretty threatening, what with the incontinence and all… Ducks also have a fairly hefty bite, and can do the big-wing thing, which is effective as a scare tactic, for the wing-o-phobic.
Bread Eating Skills: 10
Flying South For The Winter Is A Genius Plan Factor: 10
Fight Pedigree: 7
Let Battle Commence…
The duck begins hurling a torrent of abuse at his anthropomorphic counterpart, berating Howard for his box-office failure.
The duck then runs the guilt trip, accusing Howard of killing Lea Thompson’s career. Howard is downbeat, dejected and hurt by these comments.
The duck then goes for the jugular, “You’re not even a fucking duck, dude. I don’t know what you are”.
“I am Howard!” screams the diminutive mallard, pushed to breaking point by the three-minutes of constant abuse.
Leaping into action, the currently homeless, crack-addicted rent boy Howard, who has had to toughen up considerably during his years on the mean streets, grabs the duck by the throat.
With one flex of his freakishly strong drug addict wing, Howard rips out the duck’s jugular and begins to drink his blood.
Covered head to toe in duck sauce, Howard throws the duck away in disgust, drops to the floor in foetal position and smokes a rock, before bursting into tears at the realization of what he has become.
Howard wins the fight, but he has lost the war.
Aliens 8 – Animals 4
Aliens win!!!
Which animal/alien face off would you like to see? Comment now!
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