What if horror's most iconic monsters stopped plotting the demise of mankind and decimating our teen population, and turned on each other?
Well thanks to totalfilm.com, you get to find out. Pitting the wierd, feared and revered against the big, bad and bloody disgusting, we bring you a cinematic smackdown to make your blood boil.
Ready yourselves, fright fans, for a fearsome free-for-all that will evicerate the living and leave the already dead even deader; this is the Battle Royale: Horror Movie Icons...
Let battle commence!
Boris Karloff Monsters
Frankenstein’s Monster, Frankenstein (1931)
Hardly recognisable for fans of Mary Shelley’s seminal novel, this version of Frankenstein was largely based on a stage play originating in the 1920s.
Despite the wild inaccuracies, the look, character and behaviour of the monster depicted by Karloff became the blueprint for Frankenstein adaptations for much of the rest of the century.
There Was A Book? Factor: 10
Better Than That DeNiro Crap! Factor: 10
Icon Rating: 10
vs.
Imhotep, The Mummy (1932)
Egypt was very much in vogue in 1930s Hollywood, thanks to the discovery of the tomb of Tutankhamun in 1922, and producer Carl Leammle saw the opportunity for a repeat of Frankenstein’s success.
His role in Frankenstein had made Boris Karloff a star, and he endured another period of rigorous make-up application to cement his place in cinema history as the titular Mummy, Imhotep.
That’s Not My Mummy! Factor: 10
Where The Hell Is Brendan Fraser? Factor: 10
Icon Rating: 10
Let Battle Commence...
Frankie and the Mummy walk towards each other at tedious pace, groaning, their arms outstretched.
This is hardly the stuff great fights are made of.
Frankie eventually grabs hold of the Mummy’s bandage and pulls it, resulting in a spinning-top effect, and leaving a very naked Mummy stood starkers.
Frankie starts to laugh, which sounds a bit like Eddie Murphy mixed with Frank Bruno, to which the Mummy gets very embarrassed and starts to cry.
Trying to cheer him up, Frankie does a tap routine, complete with hat and cane, but due to his heavy frame, the floor gives way, and he falls to his death.
The Mummy uses the leftover top hat to hide his mummified modesty and buggers off to take over the world or something.
Mummy wins!
Next: Iconic Masked Killers [page-break]
Iconic Masked Killers
Michael Myers, Halloween (1978)
It’s a rematch, with ‘The Shape’, as he was originally known, taking on Jason for bragging rights, a week’s spa treatment, and the last rolo.
Soon to be returning to cinemas in Rob Zombie’s H2, Myers is keen to remind the good movie going public that he actually used to be in good films.
John Carpenter Should Kick Zombie’s Ass Factor: 10
Making Shatner Look More Scary Than New TJ Hooker Ability: 10
Icon Rating: 10
vs.
Jason Voorhees, Friday The 13th (1981)
Last seen losing to Michael Myers in Battle Royale: Movie Serial Killers, Jason is out for revenge, which is, well nothing new really.
Armed with his trusty machete, dislike of topless college students and the mask he wore from Part 3 onwards, Jason is doubly pissed because his recent remake was even worse than Myers'.
Myers Can’t Die Either, But You Don’t See Him Rotting Factor: 10
Your Mom Was More Of A Bad-Ass Than You, Factor: 10
Icon Rating: 10
Let Battle Commence...
Jason, wielding his machete, approaches Myers, who looks at him and tilts his head slightly in a creepy version of a dog trying to understand why you're holding the peanut butter.
Myers then pulls out a kitchen knife the likes of which is far too big to be in most kitchens.
Jason takes note of the size of the blade, then drops his machete. He whips out a katana, double the length of Myers’ knife.
Myers doesn’t flinch, and produces a medieval broadsword, twice the length of Jason’s katana.
Jason, not one to be outdone, yet stealing all his ideas from Myers, pull out two broadswords, duel wielding the mammoth blades.
Myers is far from impressed, and pulls out an 8-foot staff, with bladed ends, far out-reaching the range of the broadsword.
Jason whips out a three-section pole, giving greater range and manoeuvrability.
Myers pulls out a 15ft chain with a spiked-hook on the end.
This continues until there is a vast wall of weaponry separating the two masked Icons, and they can no longer see each other.
Forgetting why they are there, they each wander off to stalk and slash some semi-nude teens.
This round is a tie!
Next: Iconic Aliens [page-break]
Iconic Aliens
Body Snatchers, The Invasion Of The Body Snatchers (1956, 1978)
Aliens plan to replace everyone on the planet with doubles grown from plant-like pods. The duplication process can only take place when the subject is asleep. Once finished, the original human disintegrates.
Cleverly using the police and authorities to help spread duplicates across San Francisco, then California, the US and finally, the world, the pod people use the human weakness of emotion to catch out survivors.
Oh Snap! He Was A Pod Person!? Factor: 10
Jack Bauer’s Dad Is No Jack Bauer Factor: 10
Icon Rating: 9
vs.
Xenomorph, Alien (1978)
Razor teeth, razor teeth tongue, acid blood, yadda yadda. Last seen fighting a Bear, the Xenomorph is resurrected in Battle Royale dimension for a crack at an all together more cunning foe.
The Xenomorph is so bad-ass, it’s like Miles Davis playing trumpet while John McClane, James Bond and Rambo punch each other in the face to see who will flinch first.
Um… Xeno-what-now? Factor: 9
What Kind Of Analogy Was That?-ness: 10
Icon Rating: 10
Let Battle Commence...
Sneaking past the Xenomorph patrol, the pod-people break into the nest and duplicate one of the slumbering beasts.
The Xenomorph patrol comes around the corner to find a fellow drone behaving very oddly indeed.
Alerting other xeno-types to the danger, the whole nest converges on the patrol, only for him to realise they’re all acting strange – the whole nest is pod-Aliens!
Deciding that he isn’t going down without a fight, he hacks into one of the pod-Aliens and sprays the acid all over a supporting column, which brings the ceiling down on the nest.
Game over, man. Game over.
Everybody dies.
Next: Iconic Mutants [page-break]
Iconic Mutants
Andre Delamber, The Fly (1958)
Before Lynch and ‘Brundlefly’ came this 1958 original, perhaps better recognised as the inspiration for the Simpson’s Treehouse of Horror episode where Bart switches heads with a fly.
Seeing the world through the fragmented multi-eye of his new fly-façade, Dr. Delambre slowly finds himself being taken over the by the fly’s personality… with murderous results.
That Claw Hand Could Be VERY Inconvenient, Factor: 11
We Miss Jeff Goldblum-ness: 10
Icon Rating: 9
vs.
Gill-man, The Creature From The Black Lagoon (1954)
Ah Gill-man, edged out of the Universal Monsters big-four by his more famous comrades – Dracula, The Wolfman, Frankenstein’s Monster and the Mummy – this link in the evolutionary chain is no-one’s fifth wheel.
Designed as a what-if after hearing about a tribe of fish people in the Amazon, Gill-man is a tragic figure akin to Quasimodo and King Kong – his only crime was falling in love. Oh, and murder too.
We Sympathise, We Really Do, ‘ol Gill-Features – Factor: 10
Breathing Underwater Would Be Sweet Factor: 10
Icon Rating: 10
Let Battle Commence...
Gill-man falls in love with The Fly’s wife, cos he’s a bit of an old romantic like that, and decides that he must kill the mutated scientist if he’s to have a chance of scoring.
Picking the Fly up, Gill-man throws him into the eponymous teleportation machine, or ‘disintegrater-integrater’ as the mad scientist calls it.
But the Fly isn’t so easily beaten, and uses his claw hand to grab hold of Gill-man, pulling him into the device.
The Fly switches the machine on, and the pair reappear in the other cabinet, except things aren’t exactly as they should be.
Gill-man now has a human body and one human arm, with The Fly getting the Gill-man’s fish-like body, and one of his arms.
Gill-man laughs as The Fly looks at himself in disgust. Unable to live with what he has become, The Gill-Fly Thing shoots himself through the face.
Searching around the lab, Gill-man locates the tiny fly that has the Doctor’s head and arm, jumps into the machine once more, and pushes the button.
He emerges the other side with the Doctor’s head, and the doctors other arm, making it appear for all intensive purposes that he is Andre Delambre.
He quickly kills the tiny fly, which now has a Gill-man head and arm.
Then he casually strolls into Delambre’s house and makes sweet, sweet love to his missus, who comments that she’s glad to have him back, and that he wasn’t this good before…
Gill-man wins!
Next: Iconic Flesh Eaters [page-break]
Iconic Flesh Eaters
Leatherface, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
Loosely based on demented killer Ed Gein, Leatherface has been portrayed anywhere between mentally retarded man child, to sadistic butcher, to pizza-eating transvestite (yes, really).
With a mask made of human flesh, a disposition for sledge hammers and chainsaws, and a taste for the meat of his victims, Leatherface is a fearsome movie monster, and one of the original slasher film villains.
Shouldn’t It Be ‘Texas-Chainsaw-And-Sledge-Hammer-Massacre’ Factor: 10
Making Other Texans Seem Perfectly Normal Ability: 9
Icon Rating: 9
vs.
The Living Dead, Night Of The Living Dead (1968)
Although Geroge A. Romero didn’t invent the zombie, he revolutionised it, defining the sub-genre with his apocalyptic zombie vision, it was here in ‘Night’ that we are first introduced to his ‘Ghouls’.
Returned from the dead with a taste for flesh, the only way to stop the Ghouls is by killing the brain, though a little immolation seems to do the trick quite nicely… just don’t get bit.
Radiation From Venus? Sounds Likely Factor: 10
Man, This Makes People Look Stupid, Factor: 9
Icon Rating: 10
Let Battle Commence...
Stalking the Texas landscape for victims, Leather-chops happens upon a crowd of young types, and hears the dinner bells ringing.
Taking his trusty sledge-hammer to a few blank faces, he is surprised when A) They get right back up, and B) Don’t run away in mortal fear.
Not only that, but they appear to be trying to eat him!
Realising he is locked in battle against an army of the Living Dead, Leatherface rips the cord on his trusty chainsaw and starts hacking glory through wave after wave of zombie scum.
The scene is possibly the most bloody and brutal in Texas history, making the Alamo look like a pillow fight.
After 45 minutes, ‘Face is stood atop a vast pile of bodies, covered head to toe in blood, and is getting a bit knackered.
Then the chainsaw runs out of gas. Bollocks.
Grabbing his sledge hammer and swinging like Babe Ruth in a World Series, the leathery one caves in skulls left, right and center, while making a break for his house.
He manages to make it most of the way, but is bitten on the hand by his grandma as he nears the house.
Cavng her face in, her hurries into the cellar and hacks his hand off before the zombie-virus can spread and in a stroke of genius he didn’t steal from Evil Dead II, straps the chainsaw to his stump.
Stocking up on sharp objects, refuelling the chainsaw, and finding an old sawn-off shotgun, Leatherface kicks open the door to his cellar and re-enters the zombie infested outside world.
‘My name is Leatherface’, he mumbles through his leather face, cocking the shotgun with one hand, ‘get the fuck off my lawn’.
Shooting a few of the Ghouls in the head, ‘Face lets his chainsaw arm rip.
‘Groovy’ he exclaims, and walks out to face his destiny.
Winner to be determined…
Next: Iconic Demons [page-break]
Iconic Demons
Freddy Kruger, A Nightmare On Elm Street (1984)
The child-murdering dream demon, with his distinctive knife-glove, badly scarred face, brown fedora and red and dark green striped sweater, is one of the most iconic movie monsters in history.
Thanks to the freaky portrayal by highly trained thesp Robert Englund, and a slew of sequels, Freddy’s place in pop culture is unwavering, with tv shows, comic books, songs, and a big budget remake on the way.
One, Two, Freddy’s Coming For You, Factor: 10
Making The Homeless Look Chic Ability: 9
Icon Rating: 10
vs.
Pinhead, Hellraiser (1987)
Originally billed as ‘lead Cenobite’ in the first Hellraiser instalment, he didn’t appear as Pinhead until the sequels, after the pet name coined by the make-up team during production caught on.
Portrayed by Doug Bradley in every film in the series, Pinhead is arguably more iconic than the films he stars in, with many of the later entries going straight to DVD and giving him increasing screen time.
That’s Gotta Hurt, Right? But Not In A Good Way, Factor: 10
Making That Papercut Seem Insignificant Ability: 10
Icon Rating: 10
Let Battle Commence...
Pinhead is having a particularly nasty dream, involving the boiler room of a high school in Ohio that he’s never visited.
As he stalks through the steam and pipes, Freddy Krueger appears.
“What’s the matter, Pinface, scared?” Krueger cackles.
“My name is Pinhead. Of course I’m not scared, haven’t you seen Hellraiser?”
“I don’t watch much TV” admits Fred the Shred. “But you should be scared, this is my world, I can do this”
And with that, Freddy takes a swipe at the Cenobite’s stomach with his claw. Pinhead laughs.
“I’m going to wake up now. Then we’ll see who’s scared.”
Pinhead suddenly opens his eyes and finds himself at home, in the S&M dungeon. Chuckling to himself, he looks down to see three claw marks across his stomach. He jumps in shock.
“Told you you should be scared, Pin-balls, see, you’re still asleep” says Freddy, appearing out of the shadows. And with that he stabs his knife-hand into Pinhead’s chest.
“Um, could you do it again, a little lower? I’ve got an itch.” Pinhead smiles.
“Sure,” agrees Freddy, and obliges by stabbing him several more times in the chest and stomach.
“Mmm, that feels nice, really hit the spot. Thanks” Pinhead smiles and walks over to his desk.
“Don’t, er, mention it.” Replies Freddy, confused.
“To say thanks, I got you a present. It’s a puzzle, bet you can’t solve it.” Says the Pin-meister, throwing the Lament Configuration Puzzle Box to Krueger.
“I can solve anything” boasts Freddy, and sure enough, within seconds he has opened the box. Suddenly hooked chains fly through the air and tear Freddy to pieces.
Pinhead walks over to the box and closes it, trapping Freddy’s soul in his world.
“I’m going to tear your soul apart,” he smiles.
Pinhead wins!
Next: Iconic Lon Chaney Sr. Monsters [page-break]
Iconic Lon Chaney Sr. Monsters
Quasimodo, The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1923)
The film that birthed the horror movie at Universal Studios, starring the man who defined the genre with his total immersion in the characters he played.
Then the highest grossing silent movie to date, Cheney was praised for his spectacular make-up work and was subsequently elevated to star status in Hollywood.
The Bells! The Bells!-ness: 9
Oh… It Was Silent Factor: 10
Icon Rating: 9
vs.
The Phantom, Phantom Of The Opera (1925)
Cheney Sr’s most iconic performance, he was once again given free reign to design his own make-up and endured a torturous shoot, the result of which was so ghastly that audience members apparently fainted.
Considered the first true Horror film in the Universal vault, it marks Cheney Sr’s last iconic Universal role - he was contracted by MGM following its release before dying in 1930.
Beats The Smug Grin Off Gerry Butler’s Face Any Day Ability: 9
Andrew Lloyd Who? Factor: 9
Icon Rating: 10
Let Battle Commence…
Quasi-Cheney scales the walls of a nearby Cathedral bell tower, with Phantom-Cheney in hot pursuit.
Quasi-Cheney rings the bells right in the Phantom’s ears, which causes him a great deal of pain indeed.
With Quasimodo hiding, the Phantom manages to crawl into the cathedral to find the organ, where he plays the first few bars of Beethoven’s Fifth on the vast instrument.
The soundwave is so loud it knocks Quasimodo over, causing him to grab his ears in pain.
With neither man able to hear a damn thing, they tiptoe around the cathedral until they happen upon each other, back-to-back.
Each man jumps around to be confronted with the utterly shocking features of the other, and they both faint at the sight.
This round is a tie!
Next: Iconic Fang Fans [page-break]
Iconic Fang Fans
Count Dracula , Dracula (1958)
Despite not originating the story of Dracula on film, Hammer Productions made the character their own in the '50s and '60s, thanks in large part to the performance by a certain Christopher Lee.
Lee is the quintessential screen Dracula, charming, menacing, and down right blood-curdling. He appeared in the role seven times for Hammer, no other actor has played the role as many times.
Look Into My Eyes Abilty: 10
I Vant To Drink... Your Blood! Factor: 10
Icon Rating: 10
vs.
Larry Talbot, The Wolf Man (1941)
Walking in the rather large footsteps of his Icon father, Lon Cheney Jr. managed to carve out a horror niche for himself in Hollywood, thanks largely to his seminal portrayal of the Wolf Man.
The film created much of the folklore surrounding Werewolves, which has now become part of the legend, including a weakness to silver, forced changes during a full moon and the pentagram symbol.
We Thought Bark At The Moon Was An Ozzy Osbourne Album Factor: 10
Any Relation To Dick Cheney? Factor : 8
Icon Rating: 10
Let Battle Commence...
Dracula, wearing a Team Edward t-shirt, and The Wolf Man, in his Team Jacob shirt, sit down at a table.
Spending the next several hours debating the virtues of the good-natured Jacob, versus the charm and looks of heartthrob Edward, the pair are no closer to a verdict by midnight.
Over the next few hours, the argument gets nasty, with each man claiming to be the bigger Twilight fan, and therefore able to give a better opinion on who is hotter.
With only minutes til sunrise, the pair agree to disagree for the meantime, and decide to continue their debate the following night.
As they are about to leave, Van Helsing pops up and slays them both.
Walking away, he turns to the rapidly decomposing Count and the now-human body of the Wolf-Man and states;
“Everyone knows Billy Burke is the real dish, he makes my crotch burn like spilled coffee,” before walking off into the sunset.
Dracula and the Wolf Man both lose!
Like This? Then try...
- Battle Royale: Movie Serial Killers
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