[NSFW WARNING: We'll keep this post clean apart from a bit of language, but we are talking about pornography here, which is generally considered NSFW in most workplaces. Please don't get in trouble by reading this article when and where you shouldn't. Okay? Let's continue.]
"It's Ass Sex Legends." That's the very first line of the YouTube trailer for the newly announced porn parody of Apex Legends from WoodRocket and its partner Pornhub. Just in case you were wondering what an Apex Legends porn would be called. It's Ass Sex Legends.
I'm not sure where to begin. I guess we'll start with the press release I received earlier today, which brought new meaning to the disclaimer, "for immediate release."
"Drop your pants and grab your joysticks!" WoodRocket advises. "The porn companies that brought you the hit sexy spoofs, Fortnut and Bowsette XXX, are about to put the Butt back into Button Mashing. WoodRocket and Pornhub are proud to present the porn parody, A** Sex Legends, an anal homage to the smash hit video game, Apex Legends."
I knew I recognized that name from somewhere: Wood Rocket is the same studio that made the Bowsette porn parody which trampled all over Mario lore. Because of course it is. Unbeknownst to me, their catalog also includes "Ten Inch Mutant Ninja Turtles, Strokémon, and Laygo." Well, I'm sure Respawn is thrilled to see Apex Legends receive "an anal homage" from such a prolific studio.
Anyway, back to that trailer, which is relatively SFW (just sex toys and some language) and viewable below. While still blinking in surprise after having that title shouted at me, I was surprised to learn that this porn parody is weirdly cynical about the game it's parodying. The trailer describes Apex Legends as "a totally unique and original game that is not almost exactly the same as Fortnite and PUBG, or a myriad of other games that it is the same as," and with sarcasm so thick you could spread it on a croissant. I mean, sure, Apex Legends is a battle royale game with battle royale mechanics, but between its ingenious ping communication, Jumpmaster drop system, and revive mechanic, it's also staggeringly innovative. But then, you don't go to a porn parody for informed critique. You go there to laugh at the proper nouns, so let's move onto the cast.
The parody stars Mirod (Mirage), Gaipth (Wraith), and Penisfinder (Pathfinder). I'd like to point out that Penisfinder's head is just a male masturbator. The cast is armed with all manner of sex toys standing in for different rarities of gear, and in the trailer alone, delivers such zingers as:
- "You look like the kind of guy who knows the way to Skullfuck Town."
- "Your weapon's big and all, but it still looks like it was programmed to fit in my EA - electronic asshole."
- "Bangalore my Outlands."
- "Do not dance in this game, we don't want Carlton to sue us."
OK, that last one actually got me.
In decidedly non-pornographic news, the Apex Legends battle pass is here - here's how much it costs and what's in it.
