Chin up, Don
Don Mattrick, President of Microsoft's Entertainment Business, has had a rough month. As the public face of the Xbox One, he's been criticised by the press, vilified by Internet comment fields, and mocked by his rivals at Sony. We feel for him. It isn't easy being public enemy number one.
As people who have felt the hot wrath of negative comment in the past (hey, we all make mistakes) we took pity on poor Don, and put together this short list of reasons that explain how the Xbox chief's situation could be a whole lot worse.
He could be covered in angry bees
Let's face it, Mattrick would have had a tougher time at E3 if he'd been trying to present Microsoft's press conference while covered in a swarm of angry bees. "And here's a brand new game, exclusive to Xbox One, from Insomn... SWEET GOD GET THESE BEES OFF ME!"
He could be wearing the red shirt
Don Mattrick looked uncomfortable in that grey suit, as Geoff Keighley interviewed him in the heat of the LA convention centre. However, we think he'd be even more uncomfortable in one of Star Trek's cursed red shirts. "To the transporter room. Kirk, Spock, Bones and ensign Mattrick beaming down..."
He could be the father on an episode of Maury Povich
Discovering that you're father to a child, borne by a stranger who you had a one-night-stand with several years ago, and now can't stand to be in the same room as, is bad enough. Finding out on live TV, though, is torture. Sure, Don had to answer some awkward questions during E3, but at least he didn't have to answer to Maury...
He could be cursed with the Midas touch
Poor King Midas. He loved gold. Until, that is, he was cursed for his greed; an affliction that meant everything he touched turned to solid gold. Sure, it was a trial for Mattrick to present Microsoft's game line-up to a room of hostile journalists, but at least he didn't turn Hideo Kojima into a life-sized Oscar when he shook his hand on stage.
He could be a lottery loser
You hear stories about those poor people who have played the same lottery numbers for years. Then, one week, their numbers come up! Only they've forgotten to buy a ticket! Sure, it was tough to tell people Xbox One will cost $499 / 429, but imagine if Don had forgotten to buy his lotto ticket.
He could be the owner of this car
There are few things worse than returning to your car after a day at work to find out some clumsy / malicious clown has scratched / broken a piece of it. Imagine, if you will, that Mattrick had returned from a difficult E3 presentation to find his car had rolled into the hotel pool. Disaster.
He could be being pursued by a cyborg from the future that absolutely won't stop until he's dead
Selling exclusive TV deals and multimedia functionality to a group of hardcore gamers, during the Xbox One reveal, must have been tricky for Mattrick. But imagine if he had to do that while being relentlessly pursued by the T-101, sent back through time to change the future. Imagine it.
He could be offline
Yes, yes--this was the obvious joke to make. Throughout it all, Mattrick has put on a brave face, but just imagine if the internet connection had gone down while he was presenting Xbox One at E3. "Patrick, why isn't the Battlefield 4 demo working? Really? That's ironic. Well have you tried resetting the router...?"
Worse things happen at sea...
By now, Don should be feeling a little more relaxed. Lucky, even. As the gossip magazines like to remind us, there's always someone having a shittier time than you. So, the next time any of you feel down in the dumps, tell yourself this: at least you're not being mauled by a massive T-Rex, right? RIGHT?
Want more editorial and opinion that jabs directly at the exposed nose of E3 2013? Try our feature on Why Paying For PS4 Online Is A Good Thing. Not your thing? Check out this editorial on How Microsoft Dug Its Own Grave, And How It Can Climb Out.
