'Roid rage
Summer is pretty much done for the year. Did you get that beach body you always promised yourself? Or did you just add an extra layer of KFC-branded puppy fat? Hey, I'm not here to judge. Whatever your body size or shape, you can guarantee that somewhere in video games there is a character that looks more chubby / skinny / big-headed than you.
So, here is a round-up of the most extreme video game bodies I could find. These are the sort of physiques that make grown men and women stare in disbelief, and some are the stuff that make small children wet the bed. As a bonus, I'll also give you tips on how to achieve these signature looks Well, sort of.
Kratos (God of War)
Kratos has every excuse for looking like (and being) an absolute, muscle-bound monster. When the gods trick him into murdering his own wife and daughter, his only recourse is to stab, slash, and rip through the entire pantheon of Greek deities. To do that kind of thing, you need to bulk up a bit.
Luckily, Spartans are trained for combat from a young age, so Kratos starts with a decent layer of muscle. After that, it's all just fine-tuning. Chances are you werent brought up as a Spartan warrior, which is why you probably dont have his extreme body. Never fear though, its never too late to give the lifestyle a try. Just give up all your worldly goods--yes, even the consoles (especially the consoles)--and do nothing but sit-ups, push-ups, and murderous rampages against the gods all day. Boom: insta-ripped.
Thin Men - XCOM: Enemy Unknown
If you thought the long, thin physiques were exclusive to supermodels and crack addicts, think again. In XCOM, Thin Men are the aliens' answer to Kate Upton, only (somehow) even thinner and (somehow) a tremendous amount more violent. Theyre lanky in the extreme and slender enough to look like stick figures come to life. But if that sounds charming, then also remember that they spit poison and murderize all your favourite soldiers with Plasma weapons.
Anyway, considering Thin Men are extraterrestrial in nature, the chances of you morphing into one of them is highly unlikely. The only thing that could maybe give you the evil-bugger-who-murdered-all-my-best-soliders look is a rack The medieval torture device that can stretch people into human chewing gum. Only drawback with the rack is that it tends to also cause bone-breakage, muscle-tearing, and... oh yeah, death.
The Meat King - Hitman Contracts
The Meat King--also known as Campbell Sturrock--is the ungodly result of an awful diet and an equally awful attitude to life. Its little wonder that Agent 47 is dispatched to send him to the circle of hell usually reserved for PPI sales-people and naughty-word users on Call Of Duty. This blighter orchestrates kidnappings and murders, all while feasting on chicken an insane amount of chicken. The fact that he throws lavish fetish parties in his slaughterhouse to celebrate not going to prison is just the wafer thin mint on top.
His body-shape is actually pretty easy to achieve: eat too much, and didnt move enough. If you miraculously have access to an abattoir, then you can have all your food slaughtered, cooked, and delivered to you within the same building, putting you on the road to the Sturrocks pathetic level of fitness. Just dont get as nonchalant about this as Meat King does. When you cant even be bothered (or you're not actually able) to mingle at your own BDSM slaughterhouse party, you should probably seek medical help. Or hire a crane.
Dr Neo Cortex - Crash Bandicoot
If he wasn't so evil Dr. Neo Cortez might deserve a little sympathy. Not only are his various attempts to take over the world resoundingly fruitless, but his head-to-body ratio is more disproportionate than Seth Rogen getting a piggy-back from Posh Spice. If that wasnt enough to make anyone cranky he also has to put up with a giant N stamped onto his forehead like hes constant danger of forgetting the letter exists.
Now the laws of physics and reality may suggest otherwise, but Im sure that theres a way to replicate this look, and create your very own 'Big Head'. A large air pump in the ear or mouth should be enough to inflate your own head to the size of Dr. Cortezs impressive skull. What's that? We don't all live in a Tom and Jerry cartoon? Oh, my bad.
Rayman - Rayman Legends
In many ways, Rayman has the most extreme body on this list. While everyone else has all their hands and feet connected to their bodies, poor Ray has had to live a life without limbs. That might make for the oddly convenient ability to propel his fist into the poor gabber of whatever stands in his way, but it also means that hell never the pleasure of err, cracking his knees? Trying to lick his elbow? No, cant think of a good reason to have limbs.
Now limbs are actually quite handy--pun intended--so instead of indulging some minor amputation (PLEASE DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME), well try something a little less permanent. Just get an old, baggy t-shirt, some sticks to prop through the arm holes and a pair of fake hands to attach to the end of said sticks. Hands cut from reasonably fresh corpses will also be fine. Then, just wave the hands about and imagine being surrounded by a vibrantly drawn world In truth, probably best just to leave the limbless stuff with Ray, hes got a good handle on things.
Dr Trager - Outlast
Dr. Trager, the charmingly murderous, resident doctor of Outlasts Mount Massive Asylum, is the very definition of skin and bones. Hes so emaciated that hes practically see through, every blackened vein and bone reminding you that you should have never, ever wandered into his ward. I mean, the fact that he has you strapped to a chair and cuts your finger off is a fairly big clue, but his general demeanour nails the whole 'should never have broken into this asylum' vibe.
When one of the stand-out terrors of Outlast is being forced to stare at the wrinkled, veiny buttocks of Dr. Trager, then you must be as mad as him to want to achieve it Which is great news, because being completely past any typical definition of sanity is the only way youre going to be able to starve yourself and survive only by eating decaying body parts. Its either that or faeces hes eating, because I didnt see any food while playing Outlast. Ew.
Ivy - Soul Calibur
Ivy doesnt have an extreme body; she just has an extreme chest. Its as if 90% of her was designed by a normal person, then the remaining 10% was left to a horny teenager who has just discovered what happens when you turn SafeSearch off on Google. It's a wonder she doesn't fall over more.
If youre lacking the cash for surgical enhancement, dont fret! There are plenty of options for the enterprising body modifier. A lifetime of watching awful daytime sitcoms has taught me that anything from socks, potatoes, and even whole chickens--these sitcoms were really terrible--could be used to help accentuate the curves, if worn beneath clothes. Just dont think that by using this method youll be as tough as Ivy. You wont be.
Chris Redfield - Resident Evil 5
Zombie slaughterer Chris Deadfield doesnt have arms. He has thunderous chunks of muscle, carved from the thickest slabs of flesh, and constantly primed to flex at the nearest hint of danger. It isnt hyperbole to say that his manly zombie-smashers are sometimes more useful than his actual guns. One swing from those biceps and theres a solid chance that the T-Virus will be knocked out of a zombie, along with all of its teeth and remaining eyeball.
So how do you achieve a massively-armed look that would make Chris blush with red hot jealously? Well, you could hit the gym hard, ignore everyone who tells you not to skip leg day and do nothing but pull-ups until your arms are considered to be separate beings. Or just pop some balloons up a tight t-shirt. Same result. Just avoid the 'roids, kids.
The incredible bulk
There's more to a person than the shape and size of their body. Never forget that. But sometimes, it's their physical appearance that defines them. Do you think that gaming needs more extreme bodies or have I forgotten any obvious ones that deserved to make the cut? Hit the comment box below to let me know.
And while you're here, why not give your fingers a work-out by clicking on some more features. Here's one about 10 Evil Gaming Gods You Don't Want As Your Deity, and another about 6 Ways History Makes Games Look Dull.
