Buzz Off
The Character: Buzz Off uses his Insect Visor, which gives him Insect Vision, which is really useful for all the spying he does for He Man.
The Stupid: Yep, you read that right; Buzz Off is a spy. A bright black and yellow spy. Who makes a very specific sound.
Yeah, wasps are really inconspicious. He's definitely not an excuse to make a toy that looks like a wasp because kids like the way wasps look.
We're not sure who his enemies are, but we wish that Mattel had invented a character called Newspapor, who was a man made out of rolled-up newspaper.
Actually, we're just going to double-check that doesn't already exist.
Oh Go On, If You Have To: Hire Pixar to make a CGI Buzz Off and shrink him down. Right down.
Moss Man
The Character: A man made of moss. He can control nature and stuff. You know, because he's made of moss.
The Stupid: We actually quite like Moss Man, he's a bit like Swamp Thing. He can change into plants, and communicate with plant life. That's pretty cool.
What we don't like is the fact that Moss Man was the Beast Man toy dyed a different colour, with added fuzz / pine scent.
That's why, even though Moss Man works for the forces of good, you'd totally assume he was a villain if the toy was all you had to go on.
And, in a way, the toy really was a villain because, essentially, mums handed over cash to give their kids the same thing twice. That's not on.
Oh, go on, if you have to: Take the actor that's playing Beast Man, dunk him in green paint and give him a new name. Make him stay like that forever.
Rio Blast
The Character: A cowboy with lasers in his chest. Ideally, we like our lasers to be in our hands, but that's just us.
The Stupid: One of the later He Man toys, Rio Blast was probably conceived at around the time Mattel decided to put a five-year-old in charge of product development.
That didn't actually happen, but it's the only way to explain a cowboy that has lasers in his chest.
Like Indiana Jones, Rio is terrified of snakes. Totally coincidentally, he was introduced to the Mattel universe at the same time as the Snake Men.
That really is some bad luck there, Mr Blast. Still, that's a fine handlebar you've got going on.
Oh, Go On, If You Have To: Take Aston Kutcher, scoop out his insides, and put lasers in there.
If he survives the operation, the character can go in the film.
Rokkon
The Character: Rokkon is one of the rock people. The Rock People can change into rocks that fly through the air. Honestly.
The Stupid: Rocks only gain the power of flight when you chuck them, which is what we'd like to do to the genius who invented this concept.
Rocks that fly. Brilliant. What's next? Coal that sings? Coal can't sing. Just ask Cheryl Cole.
But, yeah, seriously, at one point in the '80s, kids paid good money to play with rocks. That's a pretty bleak thought.
Oh, go on, if you have to: Hire The Rock, dress him up as a rock. Then throw him off a cliff. 10 Oscars.
Snout Spout
The Character: He's a cyborg with a human body and a robot head. The robot head is shaped like an elephant's head. Obviously.
The Stupid: Where do we start? The name that sounds like a ephemisum for cocaine use?
"C'mon, mate, pass me that fackin Snout Spout, I'm gasping, and this director's commentary for this movie that all the critics c*nted won't record itself."
Or do we focus on the special power that involves sneezing water at enemies (does he have to carry bottles of Evian around with him? What if he fights in a desert?).
Actually, we just going to stick with the fact that he's a cyborg with a head shaped like an elephant's head. It's heroically stupid.
Oh Go On, If You Have To: Cut off a real elephant's head, spray-paint it silver and shove it on Robert Pattinson's neck. Use glue to make it stick. Then use a staple gun to make really sure.
Extendar
The Character: Sometimes called 'the Tower Of Power' (pnarr, pnarr), Extendar is a cyborg warrior that looks like a knight, but can grow his arms, legs, waist and neck massive.
The Stupid: There are a lot of extending characters in the He-Man universe. Some grow long necks, others are able to make their arms stretch. But only Extendar can extend everything .
Which would be fine if his legs and arms didn't suddenly go all thin and snappable when extended. The fact that he's so top heavy with armour makes us assume that if he was real, half of his time would be spent concentrating on not toppling over.
Oh, Go On, If You Have To: Put him in the film, but only ever refer to his powers, don't ever show him using them. Explain it away by having him describe fights instead of taking part in them, and if he's ever confronted with a situation where extending would be the best option, just have him say something like 'I can't be bothered.'
King Hiss
The Character: King of the Snake Men, ruler of Snake Mountain, and best mates with a snake, King Hiss really likes snakes. That's pretty much his thing.
The Stupid: The guy is definitely overcompensating for something.
He calls himself King Hiss, he dresses as a snake, has a snake on his chest, has a weapon shaped like a snake, and just in cases you didn't quite get the look he's going for, he has a snake on his shield.
Oh, and if you remove that stupid man shell thing on the toy, it turns out his torso is made completely out of snakes. That really is quite a lot of snakes.
Oh, Go On, If You Have To: Take an actor, Channing Tatum, say. Make him roll around in a vat of glue, then make him jump into a tub of venomous rattlers.
If he survives, he can be in the movie.
