22 Great SF Insults

From the acerbic comeback to the downright rude and the plain bizarre – see if you can slip ’em in to a conversation with the boss

1 “You’re about as much use as a condom machine in the Vatican.”
Rimmer, “Queeg”, Red Dwarf

2 “He’s not as stupid as he looks.”
“My dear, nobody could be as stupid as he looks.”
The Countess and Count Scarlioni, “City Of Death”, Doctor Who

3 “He’s like a turd that won’t flush.”
Deacon, Waterworld

4 “Oh, poor Watcher. Did your life pass in front of your eyes? ‘Cup of tea, cup of tea, almost got shagged, cup of tea?’”
Spike, “Lessons”, Buffy The Vampire Slayer

5 “Sir, I think you have a problem with your brain being missing.”
Zoe, “The Train Job”, Firefly

6 “Where’s the fire?”
“That would be in my pants.”
“That’s probably syphilis.”

Rube, Mason and Daisy, “Vacation”, Dead Like Me

7 “Allow me to congratulate you, sir. You have the most totally closed mind I have ever met.”
The Doctor, “Frontier In Space”, Doctor Who

8 “You’re a lot smarter than you look. Of course, you look like a retard.”
Cordelia, “I Fall To Pieces”, Angel

9 “Did the Peacekeepers capture you and steal your brain and replace it with whatever you’re suing now?”
Chiana, “What Was Lost, Part One”, Farscape

10 “You’re like a trained ape, only without the training.”
Simon, “Jaynestown”, Firefly

11 “You moon-faced assassin of joy.”
Londo, “Born To The Purple”, Babylon 5

12 “Still using all the muscles except the one that matters?”

Agent Smith, The Matrix Reloaded

13 “Hey, Vasquez, have you ever been mistaken for a man?”
“No, have you?”
Vasquez and Hudson, Aliens

14 “Friendship? Do you know how many people I’ve met in my life I could count on as friends? True friends?”
“Well, if you count Inflatable Ingrid, your polythene pal, one.”

Rimmer and Lister, “Queeg”, Red Dwarf

15 “You know, sometimes, I even amaze myself.”
“That doesn’t sound too hard.”

Han and Leia, Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope

16 “I’m older and wiser.”
“Yeah well, you’re half right.”

Earl and Valentine, Tremors

17 “I’m entitled to my opinion.”
“It’s the assumption that we are entitled to it as well that is irritating.”

Villa and Avon, “Bounty”, Blake’s Seven

18 “Anything I can do to help?”
“Short of dying, no, I can’t think of a thing.”

Morden and Vir, “Interludes And Examinations”, Babylon 5

19 “If I was as worried as you, I’d never fart for fear of shitting myself.”
The Gene Genie, Life On Mars

20 “You were right. That must be a novel experience for you.”
Avon, “Killer”, Blake’s Seven

21 “You ham-fisted bun vendor.”
The Doctor, “Terror Of The Autons”, Doctor Who

22 “You are superior in only one respect.”
“What is that?”
“You are better at dying.”

Dalek Sec and Cyberleader, “Doomsday”, Doctor Who

Dave Golder
Freelance Writer

Dave is a TV and film journalist who specializes in the science fiction and fantasy genres. He's written books about film posters and post-apocalypses, alongside writing for SFX Magazine for many years. 

Latest in TV
George R.R. Martin
Game of Thrones author George R.R. Martin has a new update on The Winds of Winter: "I wish it would come faster"
Lois and Peter in Family Guy season 23
After 11 years, Family Guy suddenly brings back a deep-cut character for season 23
George R. R. Martin in Dark Winds season 3
Game of Thrones creator makes sudden cameo in TV show for apparent joke about The Winds of Winter
Daredevil: Born Again
Daredevil: Born Again had Disney Plus' biggest premiere of 2025, but its viewership is lower than Agatha All Along and The Acolyte
True Detective
Matthew McConaughey still thinks his own season of True Detective is the best one: "It was one of the great events in TV"
Diego Luna in Andor season 2
Andor season 2 showrunner Tony Gilroy calls Cassian “Star Wars Jesus” ahead of the show’s return on Disney Plus
Latest in Features
The Witcher 3 screenshot of Geralt
Avowed and Kingdom Come: Deliverance 2 tap into the same thing that makes The Witcher 3 so compelling – and it's something I'm always looking for in RPGs
Marvel Rivals Spider-Man
Spider-Man has become every Marvel Rivals player's worst nightmare
The Punisher holding two machine guns in the rain
Daredevil: Born Again - Learn the bullet-riddled comic book history of the Punisher before he officially joins the MCU
A woman in a underwater machine waving during the cinematic teaser for Subnautica 2.
Subnautica 2: Everything we know about the new underwater survival game
Daredevil: Born Again
Who killed [SPOILER] in Daredevil: Born Again episode 3?
The AMD Ryzen 7 8700G being held above a motherboard by a reviewer
AMD's pro-consumer 9070 strategies are exactly why it's primed to dominate the CPU market in 2025