Peripherals
Why developers thought they would rock:
Sometimes a normal controller just won’t cut it. There’s no better way to be immersed in a game than specifically designed plastic fun gear. Guitar Hero, DDR, and hell, even Duck Hunt proved that if you have a replica of some instrument to interact with, then the gap between gamer and joy is easily bridged.
Why they suck:
It’s hard to look cool when your apartment/dorm/bedroom is filled with Fisher-Price game accessories. To non-gamers, it looks like you collect toy replicas based on fantasies you had when you were six; like being a rock god or driving a car. It would be sad if it weren’t so damn accurate today - just replace make-believe with Rock Band.
In fact, we wonder why your tragic mess replicates mundane activities. For every Gibson guitar or GunCon, there’s a DDR dance mat, steering wheel or fishing controller set to embarrass your parents. We dare you to get laid with even a regular controller protruding from your TV, let alone those USB conga drums lying in day-old Panda Express boxes.
If you’re not ten years-old or at least a young parent, do yourself a favor and hide that shit in the closet.
Bullet time
Why developers thought it would rock:
You know the drill - fill a meter, slow down time and leap through the air annihilating as many baddies as possible before the meter expires. When Max Payne did it in 2001, it was fresh, exciting and made you feel like a badass against crazy-impossible odds.
Why it sucks:
You can’t play a game nowadays without slowing time to pull off some outlandish feat of agility, strength or steady aim. What was once an exciting new feature has become the new double-jump - a gameplay mechanic that developers rely on like a crutch. Rather than designing blood-pumping fair fights, games are now structured to highlight how aggressive enemies are. There’s no possible way you’re gonna ice thirty armed superguards with dual Uzis, unless you cheat your way through like some sort of temporal magician.
Moreover time-slowing seems like the only way to make old franchises seem relevant and hip (WWE SmackDown!, Spyro the Dragon, Tony Hawk, Burnout) or new titles feel distressingly old and outdated riding the extreme wave (TimeShift, Stranglehold, Resistance: Fall of Man). Remember, slow-motion shit is still shit.
