Get to class!
School is a trying time for teenagers; they have to deal with a changing body, anxiety over their changing body, anxiety over others changing bodies, and anxiety over what others think of their anxiety over their anxiety of others changing bodies. Even worse, they have to find sweet cars with which to pick up dates while maintaining decent scores on assignments. This is enough to make any student crazy, but teachers are supposed to expertly guide teenagers through this hellish time with relatively few student meltdowns.
Regular teachers are great, but they lack some key qualities like mutant genomes, shape shifting ability, and superhuman speed. Most teachers dont even know how to double jump. Lame. Spring holidays just ended, so Ive picked out 12 video game characters that could make school more interesting (and sexy).
Edward Kenway (Assassins Creed 4) would teach... Geography
Geography is extremely boring. Most of the students in my school used Geography class to write notes to girls or take naps. It's all long-shore drift and central place theory. Zzzzz... What Geography really needs is a passionate teacher who can tell personal stories about the seven seas, while using props to illustrate his (or her) points. Also, it helps if they have dual wristblades
Edward Kenway fits the bill because he spent his younger years sailing around and participating in legitimate business pursuits that didnt relate to pirating or murder in any way, shape, or form. Imagine how his storytelling and passion would bring the subject to life. Plus, the dashing Kenway is guaranteed to make the girls swoon when he describes his shirtless shark-hunting exploits.
Nathan Drake (Uncharted) and Lara Croft (Tomb Raider) would teach History
If Indiana Jones has taught us one thing its that fedoras are cool. If it has taught us two things, its that the best way to learn about History is from a dashing archeologist who is directly involved with it on a daily basis. So, the obvious choice for a teacher would be Nathan Drake, right? Sure, hes got a sizeable artefact collection, and a winning smile, but is he as qualified as Lara Croft? Hmmm...
Her experience is a little broader, and--quite frankly--she has the lovely, clipped English-rose voice that students (yeah, and me) can listen to for hours. In an ideal world, Drake and Croft would make the perfect team of History teachers because they come from different backgrounds--Nate was an orphan who taught himself about the world, and Lara spent her childhood on expeditions with her parents before she started murdering deer. Crucially, theyre both so charming that no student would want to skip the lessons.
Chell (Portal) would teach... Physics
Mostly, physics is used to figure out how hard an object will collide with another object at varying speeds. Some Physics classes have even figured out the gravitational pull of the Death Star, which probably isnt a complete waste of time, right? Can you imagine what a qualified teacher with top-secret devices could teach the average student?
Thats why Chell would be a fantastic Physics teacher; she has experience with matter and energy (specifically kinetic) and she possesses the most technologically advanced tool in the world. Chell could take a boring Physics problem like 'find the kinetic energy of a falling anvil', and make it more entertaining by putting that anvil into an infinite portal loop. Plus, who wouldnt want to open a portal to the moon to see what happens when you throw a paper plane in low gravity?
Johnson (Shadows of the Damned) would teach... English Literature
William Shakespeare, The Scarlet Letter, and book report are phrases that normally frighten every student within earshot because books are only interesting to .07% of teenagers (according to a survey I made up). Don't worry kids, books get better as you get older. Anyway, the only viable way to make students pay attention is to hire a shapeshifting motorcycle to teach the class. Obvious, really.
Johnsons shapeshifting ability would add a visual element to every book the class reads, and his rather sarcastic voice could make any story interesting. Look, if Johnson can make some of the most disturbing books from Hell palatable, surely can he make The Scarlet Letter bearable? He could help the students visualise the consequences of adultery by taking on the shape of ok, bad idea. Maybe he could just turn into the 'A'.
Dr. Zed (Borderlands) would teach... Biology
Slicing open frogs and other assorted animals is a little grim, and only really appeals to certain people. But what happens when a qualified doctor teaches Biology? Well, who knows? See, Dr. Zed doesnt technically qualify as an biology teacher in the classic sense, but the man does have experience with slicing up 100s of bodies.
Dr. Zed would probably end up teaching because well, surely someone would eventually find out he isnt a real doctor. Either that, or hed want to avoid the stress of being constantly surrounded by bullet-ridden bandits. Plus, if Dr. Zed ever wants to be a legitimate surgeon again, he can always move to a different country. And assume a false name. And grow a moustache.
Monkey (Enslaved) would teach... Physical Education
Physical Education is hardly the most accurate term for the class involving small, white shorts, and wheezing. How to avoid injury while wearing humiliating clothes would be a better description. Does running around the school twice really teach you how to gain shoulder mobility, deadlift 300 pounds, or ride an awesome hoverboard? No, so whats the point?
You need a proper teacher to make P.E. actually about education within physical activity, which is why Monkey would be perfect. Hes fantastic with kids (obviously), and he knows about unique exercise styles. Monkey could teach students how to climb a wall with one arm, do cool flips, and get rock hard abs without trying. No one, not even Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson, could do that.
Brucie Kibbutz (Grand Theft Auto 4) would teach... Economics
Initially, I thought Brucie Kibbutz would be a great Physical Education teacher because of his bodybuilding acumen. Sadly, though, his fascination with injecting Bull Shark Testosterone might be considered a negative lesson for the students. Brucie does know how to make money (LIKE A BOSS), though, so I reckon hed be a fantastic Economics teacher instead.
See, Brucie actually lives the celebrity lifestyle that so many students crave after watching MTV Cribs and other tawdry reality shows. Brucie is one of the few men on the planet who can make money selling high-end vehicles with pointless upgrades, and his totally legal Exotic Exports business shows off his diversity. Why wouldnt Brucie be the best role model for these young minds? Oh right.
Augustus Cole (Gears of War) would coach... Sports
No school is complete without a large, intimidating person that gets paid to teach young children about proper tackling techniques and pouring energy drinks into cups. This individual also teaches the students how to mature, while avoiding criminal records and terrible grades. Most importantly, the coach needs to successfully make those skintight shorts look good while he screams at students for slacking off on the wing. Or something.
So, Augustus Cole from Gears of War is pretty much a perfect fit. He was a top Thrashball player before Emergence Day, but Coles time in the COG army has taken away his athletic prime, leaving him suitable for only two jobs: a tight-end for the Denver Broncos, or a high-school football coach. Given his irrational (possibly rational) hatred for Peyton Manning, it seems likely hed opt for the latter
Mordin Solus (Mass Effect) would teach... Music
Is there a class more wonderful than Music? Probably not. You learn to carry a note, read music, and make a bow tie fashionable. Mordin Solus would be the ultimate Choir teacher. Not necessarily because of the bow tie thing, although he would look awesome in a tux. No, he knows enough about the human body that he could find ways to get the most talent out of the worst singers.
Im also positive that Mordin would have some sort of special grip that could make the bass section sing soprano. And when he needs to, Mordin could lead by example, using his beautiful singing voice to belt out sweet numbers from Gilbert and Sullivan musicals.
John Tanner (Driver) would teach... Driving
The main problem with teenage drivers is that they tend to get in terrible accidents caused by texting, mooning, or other shenanigans. What these students need is a drivers education course that focuses on defensive driving. What they need is the best driver in San Francisco.
John Tanner would be the perfect driving teacher because he focuses on the important things like drifting, hitting sweet jumps, and not killing pedestrians. Dead pedestrians usually result in suspensions, jail time, and low grades. Tanners best skill as a teacher is likely showing that you dont need a 'cool' car to drift or race like a pro. He makes a Chevy Volt look cool.
Phoenix Wright (Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney) would teach... Debate
Phoenix Wright would make the perfect Debate teacher because he has more experience with arguing (well, he does shout Objection, a lot) than all other video game characters combined. Phoenix Wright spends the majority of his time investigating and winning legal cases, so showing teenagers how to bicker constructively is a simple task.
Wright also has his experience as an undefeated poker player to combine with his years of cross examining witnesses, so none of the students would be able to trick him during class. The only drawback is that hed probably object to his own appointment in the job. Damn it, Wright, just be quiet for once.
Martin Walker (Spec Ops: The Line) would teach... Psychology
Walker is totally qualified to teach Psychology. Yes, he may have accidentally murdered dozens of innocent bystanders with white phosphorous mortars, but that probably doesnt haunt him at all. No need to worry about the voices in his head; they wouldnt distract him for a second. In fact, I think that those extra voices would help him relate to the students. Walker is completely stable. I swear.
Whats that? Hes talking to an empty classroom about how they Dont know because they werent there, man? Um, hes probably just warming up his voice.
B- Could do better
The most important part about being a teacher is learning to properly shape the minds of our children while creating a positive effect on the world. Actually, the most important part is avoiding alcohol poisoning from stress-related drinking, but I digress. I cant think of any characters that would be better qualified than these. But do you disagree? Are there any characters that you would want teaching maths or Spanish? Make your case in the comments.
Want more features do you, boy? Very well... your homework this week is reading our Best Co-op Games Everfeature followed by a viewing of our latest Sega Saturdays video. Clear? Good.
