8 DOGWELDER
Publisher: DC
First appearance: Hitman #18
Alter ego: Unknown
Ability: Maims evil-doers by welding dogs to their faces
Assessment: Unlike the other entries in this list Dogwelder was meant to be crap. Created by ever-delightfully deranged Garth Ennis, he was a member of Section 8, a superteam composed of truly shite heroes, including Sixpack (a drunk), Jean de Baton-Baton (who kills people with Frenchness) and Friendly Fire, who only tends to kill his own team members. It's all tongue in cheek, sure, but would you go to a movie in which the superhero mutilates cute pooches in the name of justice?
Nightmare big-screen scenario: Directed by Rob Zombie, Dogwelder The Movie stars Bruce Campbell as the canine-carving, species-splicing antihero. Audiences worldwide are repulsed by sickeningly realistic scenes of paws grafted to cheeks and mean-breasts with wagging tails where the nipples should be. "Completely Barking!" scream the posters.
Go to next page: Squirrel Girl
